Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Hold On Just A Dang Minute!

After a few days of thinking about our situation, my feelings haven't changed much. I'm still feeling frustrated and discouraged, but will changes make me feel better? I guess only time will tell.

Will I likely become pregnant by the end of the year? I feel doubtful. AF likely has a 'gift' addressed to me for Christmas. Will it happen within a year? That I am hopeful for, almost desperately so.

At about 11DPO I knew in my heart that my cycle was a bust, even as I willed my temperatures to increase each morning. Each morning I watch it fall. The usual month I won't know for sure until 13DPO.

I feel like a failure, DH and I sat down yesterday and I told him that I was giving up on TTC for now. It's too much pressure, especially when he goes out and tells his family that we're trying. So in a way I am dreading the holidays and the questioning looks that will inevitably tag along. What do I tell them? Technically we're taking a hiatus, but I don't really want to or like the idea of sharing bedroom antics with relatives. Awkward.

I'm still charting some signs for reference, but no special supplements or temperatures. It's evident that I am ovulating and that we're timing things well, so it's not a big deal if I stop with the BBT. I'm just going to rely on what mother nature tells me.

It just stinks that it really takes a year before anyone in the medical field will take this seriously. I'd just like a few tests, blood work or SA just to tell us that it's not all for naught. Its a lot of pain and stress to go through for a year to find out nothing would have happened.

All I can say is that it's been a hell of a year and not just because of TTC. I'll be glad if the year end on a good note. So for that reason, I'm going to try extra hard to enjoy the holidays on my terms. It'll be nice to start over with a clean slate at the beginning of the year. I know it's cheesy to think that, but it feel like it to me, even the beginning of a week feels the same.

Thinking of the future gets me feeling hopeful...gets me out of the mood of dwelling on current problems. I'm even, gasp, listening to a Christmas carol station on Pandora!


  1. Oh hun, *huge hugs* Do your best to enjoy the holidays. I have found, with our families, that telling them about our struggle has been the best answer. It also stops them from asking-they just wait for us to tell them updates. I truly hope that 2010 is your yr to become a mom.

  2. Why do docs want to wait a year? I know there are impatient people, but if their patient is wanting to do more, I don't understand why they won't. My regular OB wanted us to wait another six months for a grand total of 1.5 years of trying, but I didn't. Instead of waiting for a referral from her, I went out and found our RE. Also, I agree with Liberal granolagirl. My MIL would always make comments about grandkids, but then once the Hubs told her, she stopped. I think she felt bad for bugging us about it.