Am I Just Lucky?

Occasionally I'll mention on Twitter just how lucky I feel to have such a great baby. World, you have no idea, really. We have a routine that really suits BG, mostly because it is decided by her. She sleeps well, she eats well, she plays well, she laughs often and is generally in a good mood 95% of the time she's awake and she's not been sick yet. She's thriving and seems to be early on almost all of her milestones. Every so often I have people suggest that perhaps we are to take credit for it .

Afterall, I gave her a good start with being extra diligent while I was pregnant. We are good at picking up her cues and not letting her get overtired. We keep the atmosphere here calm and try not to overstimulate her. We anticipate when she will be hungry or when she will need a diaper change. We are almost always upbeat and happy around her (and how could we not, we love to make her smile and laugh). We are quick to comfort when needed and getting pretty good at redirecting attention when her temper does flare.

So the question is, are we just all really in tune with each other? Are we really just lucky in the good baby department? Could our demenure be reflected on our child? Just how much can we take credit for as parents?

I'm more likely to feel like we are just lucky, but I also tend to undersell my own achievements. Either way, I'll give myself a small pat on the back and thank my lucky stars that she is in our lives.


Fist bump mom, 'cuz you're worth it.

Day 29: 30 Day Blog Journal

hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Plans have always seemed much easier for me to decide on than hopes and dreams. Maybe it's because it seems more definite. Hope seems like something that's too far out of reach, and dreams are on a similar horizon. One attains to reach their dreams but there is no assurance that they will get there. Not to say I don't waste my time on hopes and dreams, but the "Type A" in me definitely puts more weight on plans than dreams and hopes.

Plans For The Next Year

• I plan to be the best mother I can be
• I plan to sleep very little and to live life in a brain fog
• I plan to do the best I can to balance my attention between my child, my husband and myself
• I plan on taking lots of photos
• I plan on being the typical first time mother
• I plan on drifting away from some friends
• I plan on deciding on the next step of our family
• I plan on baptizing our child and confirming my faith
• I plan on there being struggles with breast feeding, and cloth diapering, and attachment parenting.

Hopes For The Next Year

• I hope motherhood treats me well
• I hope I get more sleep than I plan to
• I hope that my husband adjusts well to sharing my time with the baby
• I hope my photos are inspiring
• I hope I get the help I need
• I hope I gain more friends than I lose
• I hope we can start on expanding our family
• I hope that I can breast feed for 6 months

Dreams For The Next Year

• I dream that motherhood is a breeze
• I dream that I won't be lacking any sleep
• I dream that I can do it all myself
• I dream that there is no conflict with work
• I dream that breast feeding and cloth diapering will be a breeze

Day 10: 30 Day Blog Journal

a photo taken over 10 years ago of you


This is DH and I before my senior prom. By that time we'd been dating for 2 years. <3

The Not Quite Babymoon

As you probably figured out in the last Wordless Wednesday post, DH and I went on a little trip.

It was intended to be a babymoon, but considering how I ovulated 5 days early, it was a post babymoon trip, lol. We both took a long weekend and took off the only two free days I could find in my schedule. Busy Bee, I am lately.

Anyway, we took a road trip to the middle of nowhere Tennessee to visit Fall Creek Falls State Park. We took a ton of pictures and had a ball. It was just the thing we needed to do to get away from life.

The weather was fantastic. It was early in the season so no bugs, but it warmed up early so we could hike without being bogged down with layers of clothing. We saw a lot of wildlife, challenged our muscles, bonded and renewed our spirit.

We stayed in a cabin this time around, but next time I think we may just take a tent. The trip reminded me how much I love to be out in nature and that I hope someday we can find our forever home in a forest somewhere.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Me and my two loves

DH and I celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday since my sister was bring over her LO, who is 4. DH is so great with her, which left time for my sister and I to catch up (and for me to work on her computer). The 4 of us ate a heart shaped pizza for dinner.

The day before, DH and I did some shopping and had dinner with my parents. How romantic, yes I know. We've been celebrating all week really, just doing little things for each other. DH surprised me with flowers on Friday and I surprised him with an edible arrangement on Saturday.



Cycle Update
I'm currently on week 3, or 9DPO. My temps are sporadic, and never really established so its really hard to tell how the cycle is going. I'm maintaining cautious optimism. The Dr gave us a 15% chance of conceiving with DH's numbers and if my hormones are playing around with me this month, then I'm sure that's even lower. After all we're already at a bit of a disadvantage because of needing to watch our timing and getting a + OPK 2 days early.

I've been getting twitches in my lower abdomen lately, which is hopeful yet confusing. I'm trying really hard not to read too much into things. My bbs are starting to get a bit sore and I've been wanting to go to bed earlier every day, but other than that I've not felt anything special. No PMS even, but the week is still young.

To keep my days sane, I am attempting to not chart my temperature until the evening, before I go to bed. I'll take it in the morning still, but I won't check the thermometer until I go to bed. That way I can get out the emotion, get some sleep, and then feel hopeful in the morning. I'll report back my findings, and if I'll be doing it again. I'm going to do some research on my charts to determine would be the best time to start it. I'll have to check when my cycle temps start to get rocky. I'm thinking of starting it tomorrow, but since I have the day off I'm not sure that I can resist. :)

Ah yes, I also got the "are you" question today from my sister. We were talking about vitamins. I told her I was taking a prenatal at night and she interrupted me with a, "because you want to or because you have to" inquiry. LOL! Well, I've been taking them for a year now...

A Not So Wordless Wednesday About Roller Coasters

This is going to be a not so wordless Wednesday post. I do vow to start doing this, whatever is on my mind at the time will get "pictureized" and put here. It may or may not be TTC related, but more than likely will. I've set the alarm on my phone to remind me to blog since I'm not doing it regularly and I should.

If you haven't noticed by the ticker at the top, I've started a new cycle. The cycle that was so promising ended in disaster a day earlier than expected. I knew Friday, when my temp started to take a dive, that I was in for the roller coaster. What I didn't know was that the witch would show up early. My LP has never been any more or less than 15 days until the past two cycles. Last one was 14, previous one was 16. I think I much prefer the earlier one, truth be told.

I thought I handled it well, but it turns out that perhaps I was mistaken. The day that my temp started to fall, I called my mother and decided to do some bonding and get my mind off things. Well, it worked. The problem is, I didn't deal with the situation, I just put it off. So, instead a few days later after the euphoria wore off (from how well I handled the outcome and how proud I was of the dress I made) I quickly rolled down the steep hill of the roller coaster.

You see, I come to find that the first inklings of a lost cycle is like going up and down bunny hills of a roller coaster. But once you're about to find out for sure that the cycle is lost (either AF arrives or you know she's arriving soon) it's like you're sitting atop the highest peak of the roller coaster, right as it's about to plummet down the tracks. I was there Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday....you get the picture. I didn't realize I was still up there, teetering on the edge until I realized yesterday that I was beginning to fall. And my first thought, "Oh, shit".

Its been dragged out, which makes coping a lot worse. When I am hindered from expressing the full range of emotions at my own pace, then I can't get them all out and I am forced to deal with it a lot longer. So it looks like I'll have to deal with the roller coaster each month.

However something has come to my attention lately that I am not sure how to deal with. I really do try my best not to let my mood affect other people. When I am feeling down or grouchy, I usually go into hiding. However my husband is the only one that really has to deal with me in hiding on a regular basis. (I'm sorry honey, but I really do try not to take my bad mood out on you or turn you into a grouch.) Friday I went into hiding, even from him. I didn't communicate well with him and some things about that didn't surface until yesterday during an argument.

He feels guilty about us not getting pregnant yet. He feel guilty that he puts me through this roller coaster every month. He hates seeing me like this, but feels helpless to do anything about it. I'm torn. I feel bad because I feel like I've been selfish in feeling like I'm in this alone and that he doesn't understand. But I know I'd never know unless he told me or showed me that he was in pain. I also feel guilty because I feel like if I were a stronger person I wouldn't be so easily upset and then I could protect him from that pain. But, I'm not a stronger person, I feel these emotions and I don't know how to deal with the knowledge that I'm now causing him pain because I am in pain.

Hold On Just A Dang Minute!

After a few days of thinking about our situation, my feelings haven't changed much. I'm still feeling frustrated and discouraged, but will changes make me feel better? I guess only time will tell.

Will I likely become pregnant by the end of the year? I feel doubtful. AF likely has a 'gift' addressed to me for Christmas. Will it happen within a year? That I am hopeful for, almost desperately so.

At about 11DPO I knew in my heart that my cycle was a bust, even as I willed my temperatures to increase each morning. Each morning I watch it fall. The usual month I won't know for sure until 13DPO.

I feel like a failure, DH and I sat down yesterday and I told him that I was giving up on TTC for now. It's too much pressure, especially when he goes out and tells his family that we're trying. So in a way I am dreading the holidays and the questioning looks that will inevitably tag along. What do I tell them? Technically we're taking a hiatus, but I don't really want to or like the idea of sharing bedroom antics with relatives. Awkward.

I'm still charting some signs for reference, but no special supplements or temperatures. It's evident that I am ovulating and that we're timing things well, so it's not a big deal if I stop with the BBT. I'm just going to rely on what mother nature tells me.

It just stinks that it really takes a year before anyone in the medical field will take this seriously. I'd just like a few tests, blood work or SA just to tell us that it's not all for naught. Its a lot of pain and stress to go through for a year to find out nothing would have happened.

All I can say is that it's been a hell of a year and not just because of TTC. I'll be glad if the year end on a good note. So for that reason, I'm going to try extra hard to enjoy the holidays on my terms. It'll be nice to start over with a clean slate at the beginning of the year. I know it's cheesy to think that, but it feel like it to me, even the beginning of a week feels the same.

Thinking of the future gets me feeling hopeful...gets me out of the mood of dwelling on current problems. I'm even, gasp, listening to a Christmas carol station on Pandora!

When I Was Down and Out...

He made me cry
He instinctively knew when I needed him most.

(UN)Great Expectations

A woman's focused emotional mind is sometimes a very logically unreasonable thing. Today is my forcasted O day and I'm shaking my head at how unreasonable I was this morning.

Last night, shortly after eating dinner, my DH got sick. He has a digestive disorder which causes him quite a bit of pain and other digestive ailments I'll not get into. I took a nap while he did his normal routine. Afterward, he crawled into bed and slept, I got up because I couldn't sleep.

I stewed over how we should be DTD but since DH cannot take care of himself, he got sick. We've both been eating unhealthy lately, and that can trigger an episode with him. He's also supposed to be taking a supplement and he hasn't. This same thing happened at the same time two months ago, and those were the only two times he's been sick in at least 4 months. I cried sabotage and felt he wasn't committed and wasn't pulling his own weight. After all, how could I get a BFP if the same thing happened 2 months ago and end with dear ol' AF?

I went to bed that night, upset. I tossed and turned and slept fitfully until the alarm went off for me to take my temperature. Shortly after, DH got up and I fell into a deep sleep. Unfortunately today is a very busy day and of course I oversleep. I never sleep past 9:30 but I did today. So from the get go I'm up in a bad mood. Normally I'm rarely upset from something the night before...if I am that's how I know it is really bothering me. Low and behold I'm still upset from last night, with the same thoughts going through my head.

We are open with each other, even under the notion that sometimes emotions are unjustified but we need to express them and deal with them objectively to understand the situation. I pick a fight with DH, say he's not taking care of himself and basically if we don't get a BFP this month that it'll be his fault. I'm upset and that it might not be fully justified, but I think some of it is. We talk about DTD but honestly I was too upset and didn't want to make a baby under those conditions. I just wanted some comfort, which I did not get from DH, but I had to leave so I left mad.

I did manage to cool off but it seems like after all these years DH still doesn't know when I just need a hug. When we both got home late tonight, we did have a discussion about the issues. I was unreasonable and hurt, he was dumbfounded, and in the end everything works out. Maybe I can blame this one on raging hormones?