Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Do These Pink Lines Bring Out The Green In My Eyes?

Last month week was particularly hard for me as we had spent the later part of my 2ww believing that I was pregnant. My temperatures steadily increased and I had some major unexplained and unexpected cramping. My chart was even tagged as being triphasic. I blogged about my excitement.

But lo and behold AF arrived right on time. I mean like right exactly on time, like she was proud, at 12am on what would have been 16DPO. It was supposed to be my month. We did everything perfectly, I even had dreams of BFPs. When I woke up on 15DPO in a sweat, I was excited. Woohoo, my temperature is up! Tears dripped from my face when I realized that my temperature had actually fallen quite a bit. My body had betrayed me. I mourned another month.

I was fine until today. I have learned thus far of at least 7, yes count them 7, BFPs the past 2 weeks and today was just a breaking point. Thus begins another dip in the emotional roller coaster of TTC. I feel really guilty because I am happy for these people but my eyes have taken an unusual shade of green lately. When is it my turn? I'm not normally an envious person. I do wish these women wonderful pregnancies, I just wish I could be on the journey with them.

I'm going to be drowning my sorrow and my tears in a glass of wine tonight, because I can. All I have to console me is knowing that the Lord will not throw at me any more than I can handle. I can't say if I am being tested or not, but perhaps this is just to make me a stronger person. I have to admit that today I have felt like a very weak person.

1Cor10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.


  1. I feel your pain, i really feel your pain. Its almost like no matter how hard you try no matter what your frame of mind is, *sigh*... My heart hurts for you... As i know exactly how you feel. I wish it was my turn too...

    The only consoling i have is that one day not far from now... it will be our turn, it will be.

    May God bless you, and please know that you will be in my prayers tonight :o)

  2. I am so sorry. I feel the same way. It's hard hearing of other people getting positives. I'm happy for them, but I'm ready for my turn too!

  3. I think a lot of us are dealing with "the monster" - it does seem like there have been a lot of pregnancies on the forum I frequent and within the Twitter peeps.

    It's not difficult to be happy for the majority of these people because I know they've been struggling for awhile (I've seen their track records) but when they all get pregnant at once - it's just hard to not be sad for myself and the others who haven't caught the golden egg yet.

    And nothing against those who can just get pregnant on demand but they are an entirely different group of people.

    Trying to conceive takes on a new meaning when it takes 6 mo - 1 year+ to conceive.After 1 year a couple is assumed to have some "issues". Or when age is a factor.

    It is these women that tend to blog and have more of an ttc internet presence then those who take 1-3 months to get pg.

    I took a whole bunch out because it just sounded waaaay too bitter and compartmentalized everyone way too much - a totally unfair and unrealistic concept.

    Anyway - here's to our turns!!