Wordless Wednesday

Update

I've been a bad blogger this week. I haven't posted in a while, or commented on any one's blogs. I'm sorry. I've worked late just about every night this week.

For now I am on DPO 15, which means AF is due tomorrow. My temps started dropping 3 days ago and I've had two BFNs. Despite no AF, I partied last night with my neighbor for her birthday.

It was a great night, and much needed letting loose by me. I'm not much of a drinker but I found a new drink I can handle. I'm not a fan of either Red Bull or Jagermeister, but I really like Jägerbombs. I don't even remember the last time I went to a bar, it's been a while.

The goals for today, rehydration (yay for no hangover) and more spring cleaning.

ABCs of Me

I got this fun idea from Liberal Granola Girl.

The ABCs of me.

A – Age: 29
B – Bed size: King
C – Chore you hate: Cleaning the pond
D – Dog/Pet’s name: Bastet and Little Man
E – Essential start to your day item(s): My phone (alarm, email, twitter, facebook)
F – Favorite color: purple
G – Gold or Silver: silver
H – Height: 5′ 4″
I – Instruments you play(ed): hehe, I'll keep the perverted jokes to myself. No instruments really. Dabble here and there on guitar.
J – Job title: Business Analyst
K – Kisses or hugs: Hugs
L – Living arrangements: Own
M – Mood: Relaxed
N – Nicknames: Randifity, Punkin, Angel, baby girl
O – Overnight hospital stays other than birth: none
P – Pet Peeves: Leg shaking, listening to others chew
Q – Quote from a movie: “So now we got a huge guy theory, and a serial crusher theory. Top notch.”
R – Right or left handed: Right
S – Siblings: 3 older sisters and 1 older brother
T – Time you wake up: 6:00 am
U- Underwear: What I wear depends on my clothing
V – Vegetable you dislike: Onions
W – Ways you run late: Usually it's traffic
X – X-rays you've had: wrist, face, neck, ankle, chest, mouth, back
Y – Yummy food you make: chili, lasagna, cheese dip, cheesecake, homemade ice cream
Z – Zoo favorite: as in animal? Cheetah or dolphin

Your turn =)

Wordless Wednesday

My Private Hell

I am so lost.

I'm confused, angry, sad, unconfident, infertile.

I hate all of these feelings TTC puts me through, or at least this cycle. I feel like a broken record. Again, I don't know if/when I have ovulated. My temp took a dive this morning. I've stopped OPKing because I got my +'s but now my temp dropped and I'm wondering if I even ovulated at all.

Why is this happening to me now? I've had spot on cycles every month until March. This really hurts. I'm not even sure why I am continuing to try this month. I'm losing a lot of faith that anything good will come out of this cycle. I was just trying to get a glimpse of when AF might arrive.

I was so mad this morning, I almost threw my thermometer, shattering it against the wall. I feel like I am in my own private hell. DH is still asleep in the other room and I am suffering alone.

I need a distraction. A big one, and I'm tired of using work as my fallback.

New plan of attack

We had an interesting discussion today over breakfast. I mentioned a book I was reading, "How To Get Pregnant", and how informative it is. The title got a little chuckle from DH, of course. :)

Over breakfast, I think we came to an understanding about TTC and the future. I feel a bit bad because I feel I pushed DH into seeing a urologist. It had been 6 long months while I was regular, like clockwork, we still weren't pregnant. DH did some research and it really started to kick in how important it was for him to change his lifestyle a bit as well. I think I was afraid that if I didn't keep up the momentum for him, that he wouldn't get around to seeing anyone. I know it wasn't the easiest thing for him to do, but honestly it was going to be the easiest thing for US.

The urologist released him from care with borderline numbers but no diagnosis for male infertility. Lifestyle changes seem to be slowly improving and I'd like to try for a bit longer before dealing with ARTs (Assisted Reproductive Technology). Surprisingly, he seems to be on the same page. He was eager for me to get tested earlier, so I'm not sure what has changed.

So, now we have a new plan of attack. We're going to keep up what we are doing now until July and then seek out diagnostics. July will be 1 good solid year of trying, then we will learn if ovarian stimulation will help, or if it's suggested we go onto IUI/IVF. Of course, if its the latter then we'll have to wait until we've saved up some money. I love the health insurance that I have, but it sucks that it doesn't cover any infertility treatments. Of course, there's always the Medical Flex Spending account.

BTW, I just joined the 2ww club. Currently 1DPO *Fingers Crossed*

I'm Dreaming Of An Introduction

Got a + on the OPK tonight. Will be dreaming of a tango with these two for the next few nights.

Wordless Wednesday

Cycle Update, WTH Is Going On?

So as the chart would suggest, I ovulated yesterday. However I've come to know that TTC isn't an exact science. I'm about 99.5% sure that I didn't ovulate yesterday, but it's that .5% that kept me from going back to sleep this morning.

All other signs are pointing to NO, so I'm trying to trust that. I've been pretty busy and stressed with work. I can't really talk about what I do, and normally don't want to. The company I work for is regulated by the government and they've given me a lot to do. Normally it's great. I love having work to do, it makes my day go faster. Its just frustrating deal with things out of my control. Same with TTC!

The SA appointment went well. I told DH that I really didn't want to hear bad news because it would distract me from work and make BDing harder. I got my wish, numbers have gone up enough to satisfy the Urologist. He's no longer seeing DH. Numbers have started going back up which is confirming that the fever/hot baths were likely the problem. The picture that bother me though was the declining morphology. I'm hoping that vitamins will help with that.

So when it came to scheduling BDing, I had figured on Oing on CD14 (which is where the dip is on the chart). But when it actually came time do get down to business I wasn't interested at all. Honestly, it really worried me. I'm a bit of a control freak, so when things aren't working out right, it drives me crazy! After a relaxing few days, I've started seeing signs return. I think I will O, and I think it'll probably (hopefully) happen before the weekend.

The funny and great thing about that is that my best friend just told me that she and her DH are officially TTC and my delay would put me and her just about on the same cycle. It would be pretty cool if we ended up getting pregnant at the same time.

Thanks for putting up with this ramble. I know it's not organized real well but honestly that's how my brain's been working the past 2 weeks. Craziness!

Wordless Wednesday - Distractions (PAD)

Entering Giveaways

Oops, I'm kind of late getting to this, but any follower who haven't heard of Holly's give away should enter. I'll be entering as it would be a pretty cool birthday gift to win tomorrow, eh?

Here's the dets:
-Follow @ready2Bmom on twitter
-Tweet: "I am ready to win a fantastic TTC kit from @ready2bmom and you can get ready too at http://bit.ly/cl6rrx"
-Add my button to your blog
-Blog about this giveaway (make sure to leave a link in your comment)

Hormonal Imbalance

That's all I can describe what I am going through right now. I don't know it's even an imbalance, its just affecting my mood. PMS, only it's Post Menstrual Syndrome. I am on CD9 as of today and on this cycle day for the past 3 months I have noted emotional on my chart.Its the same emotion too, just a sudden mood drop. Not a bad mood, just really feeling down and sorry for myself.

It looks as though my body is gearing up to O on CD14 again, like last month. DH's SA is tomorrow. I have second thoughts about having it right before O, for two reasons. First, it kind of cuts in a bit on our timing, and second for not doing it is that I don't want to feel hopeless before BDing. This SA will probably give us a solid diagnosis. If numbers go up, then the fever is the culprit but if they don't then it's male factor infertility (as far as we know, it could be me too but we haven't done the testing yet).

We haven't discussed yet, or thought much yet, about what we're going to do if we do need to see an RE and if we do decide to participate in ART. I think partially because we don't want to get ahead of ourselves, partially denial that we are having problems. It weighs on me, but it's something I will force myself to think about after this weekend.

I really feel the need for some time off to sort through some feelings. I've been so busy with work lately, I really need some time to decompress. It might just fit in with some plans before we decide to go through with ARTs, or perhaps a second babymoon (which might be a bad thing considering the first one delayed O, which we likely missed).

*sigh*
I just feel so stretched, so thinly spread. I'm so tired.