New Layout

I'm going to be working on a new layout for this blog. Stay tuned for updates. I'll continue posting but things might look funny at times.

Y'know I've never had a problem with passing tests except for one

At least the "studying" is fun.

Another cycle has come and gone without success. I was upset and frustrated this morning, but nothing a cup of coffee, some chocolate and ibuprofen couldn't handle.

I'm feeling better this afternoon and I have to give props to my support system for helping make it through the rough patches. I figured out a few things. 1. If we have a successful next month, we'll likely have a 4th of July baby, or perhaps peanut will share a birthday with my doula. 2. We could tell family as a Thanksgiving/Christmas surprise. 3. I'd be out of the sickness of the 1st trimester by the holidays.


In the meantime, I WILL find SOMETHING to get my mind off things baby. I have a scrapbook and some photography projects to work on. There's also a quilt I'm going to try and sew. Also plenty of football games to watch and fall yard work to accomplish.

The thing that I am concerned with that will derail thar plan would be charting. I most definitely do not want to stop doing that. However I am finding that it is affecting my mood during the TWW day by day more than anything. How do I chart without actually seeing the results every day?

Playing The Waiting Game

I'm near towards the end of my TWW. AF is due to arrive sometime tomorrow and I'm experiencing inner turmoil about it. If she's going to arrive, I wish that she'd do it sooner so I can get it over with. However I am still hopeful that she'll decide to skip her visits for a while.

I'm getting worn out, tired of trying and tired of analyzing every little sign or possible symptom. DH said before that he'd like to have a baby before he's 30. If this month fails, so does that goal. He's mentioned before that it really is okay if it doesn't happen, but I'm beginning to feel the wear of the stress.

I know technically I still have more than 6 months before I should be concerned with thoughts around infertility, but it still crops up in my head. Is it me? Am I broken? How far am I/are we willing to go?

I have considered taking a break from it for a few months. I don't know that I would want to time things so that I am fully pregnant during the hottest part of the summer.

Signs

This week has been a roller coaster so far. That's sad considering it is only Wednesday morning.

To say I had a bad day yesterday would be putting it politely. I'm sorry if anyone was in the way of my wrath. The day started out fine but it got worse as the day went on, eventually peaking shortly after getting home.

It wasn't until about 2 hours later that it dawned on me that it was exactly 1 week before AF would be arriving. My main PMS symptom is like clockwork, irritability always arriving exactly 7 days before. Upon that realization I felt two things, dumb and depressed. Dumb because I hadn't seen what was happening until hours later. I almost smacked myself on the forehead when I figured it out. Depressed because hell, it's PMS symptom, I couldn't be pregnant then. I was sure that my BBT would be heading down.

But, it didn't. Instead my temp was up .20 from yesterday and breaks my usual peaks and valleys pattern (a link to my chart is in my sidebar). And now I am hopeful. And now I also realize that it really was stupid to think I wouldn't get my usual PMS symptoms. I thought it was a side effect of increasing estrogen, but maybe it's a withdrawal from estrogen. If it is a withdrawal, then I would be experiencing it even if I were in the early stages of pregnancy.

So that brings up the signs of early pregnancy....you know fatigue, nausea, headaches, sore boobs, etc. What signs are important to chart and which are not? I've been having some problems rectifying this. It seems like every symptom I am having, I can justify a reason. Headache is caused by tension in my shoulders, or the frequent urination is from the Vitamin B Complex I've been taking, or even that I'm irritable because I am tired and hungry (low blood sugar). Now, that last one I did deem hormonal, but I was feeling a bit better after eating dinner and getting a cuddle from DH.

I have been charting some symptoms, but I am not always so quick to associate every little thing I am feeling with early pregnancy. Perhaps I should, but I think I'm doing it to protect myself from the letdown when AF shows. I'm just not sure what symptoms to chart anymore.

Guaifenesin Discovery

It does work. It works better than I expected, so much that I had more CM days than usual which made it a tad bit harder to predict the O day.

Tips:
-The liquid tastes disgusting, hold your breath while taking it and follow up with a glass of something to drink
-Drink extra water
-Eat something with it or it might upset your stomach
-Under no circumstances should you choke on it. It burns for hours

Personally I found it worked great for my allergies too! That's a nice bonus as I've had days were I am struggling with drainage since going off all my meds.

Delayed Again

I don't know what the deal is with my cycle. Last year it was 30 days on the dot and then somewhere in December things changed and now I never really know when AF will arrive. I mean, I knew usually 1 week ahead of time because of a notable PMS symptom but I couldn't tell you before that.

At least not until I started FAM. Now that I take my temperature every day and I have found out that my luteal phase is 15 days. Still, it can be hard to pinpoint what day I will O, but I do manage to narrow it down to a few days.

This month I thought I'd O on the 4th. I had a fight with my DH that day and was in a bad mood in general the whole day. It wasn't until 3 days later that my temperature dropped and I found out my O had been delayed a few days, yet again. I'm beginning to think this is a sign of a new cycle pattern for me. It seems that my cycle has lengthened to 34 days.

So I am relieved that it was delayed because our chances for conception are better. Now the countdown begins. I'll need to keep myself busy during the TWW or I might just go crazy!

(UN)Great Expectations

A woman's focused emotional mind is sometimes a very logically unreasonable thing. Today is my forcasted O day and I'm shaking my head at how unreasonable I was this morning.

Last night, shortly after eating dinner, my DH got sick. He has a digestive disorder which causes him quite a bit of pain and other digestive ailments I'll not get into. I took a nap while he did his normal routine. Afterward, he crawled into bed and slept, I got up because I couldn't sleep.

I stewed over how we should be DTD but since DH cannot take care of himself, he got sick. We've both been eating unhealthy lately, and that can trigger an episode with him. He's also supposed to be taking a supplement and he hasn't. This same thing happened at the same time two months ago, and those were the only two times he's been sick in at least 4 months. I cried sabotage and felt he wasn't committed and wasn't pulling his own weight. After all, how could I get a BFP if the same thing happened 2 months ago and end with dear ol' AF?

I went to bed that night, upset. I tossed and turned and slept fitfully until the alarm went off for me to take my temperature. Shortly after, DH got up and I fell into a deep sleep. Unfortunately today is a very busy day and of course I oversleep. I never sleep past 9:30 but I did today. So from the get go I'm up in a bad mood. Normally I'm rarely upset from something the night before...if I am that's how I know it is really bothering me. Low and behold I'm still upset from last night, with the same thoughts going through my head.

We are open with each other, even under the notion that sometimes emotions are unjustified but we need to express them and deal with them objectively to understand the situation. I pick a fight with DH, say he's not taking care of himself and basically if we don't get a BFP this month that it'll be his fault. I'm upset and that it might not be fully justified, but I think some of it is. We talk about DTD but honestly I was too upset and didn't want to make a baby under those conditions. I just wanted some comfort, which I did not get from DH, but I had to leave so I left mad.

I did manage to cool off but it seems like after all these years DH still doesn't know when I just need a hug. When we both got home late tonight, we did have a discussion about the issues. I was unreasonable and hurt, he was dumbfounded, and in the end everything works out. Maybe I can blame this one on raging hormones?