(Pro)state Of Mind: Anxiety

We met with my Urologist the other day to discuss the results of my "sample" and have my hormone levels checked. We didn't see the nurse we spoke to last time. The new nurse was kind but cold. The doctor met with us and though he answered our questions he also seemed distant and cold. We were both surprised by some of the information he gave us as it seemed to contradict thing that we had already "learned".

According to the doctor position is not a factor in pregnancy. His statement was, "As long as the man can ejaculate into the vagina that is all that matters". My wife has been in the habit of laying with her hips elevated for 15 to 20 minutes after ejaculation, a practice he suggested was unnecessary and a waste a time. He did say that hot baths can be an issue but that hot showers, sleeping under a heated blanket, or even sitting on a heating pad would not affect semen.

After answering some questions he moved into an explanation of the numbers and what they meant. For he most part my numbers are good. One number was a borderline and the other was a little low, all others were average or above. Apparently I have viable semen they are just sort of directionally challenged. If you know anything about me this extremely funny as I myself am directionally challenged. We had kind of hoped or expected that he would lay out at least some sort of preliminary plan or suggestion but he offered no advice on how to proceed.

In the meantime he wanted to do a physical checkup and blood draw. I'm not that fond of needles so I wasn't looking forward to the blood draw, but after the physical checkup it didn't matter quite as much. The check up was pretty much routine at first, stethoscope on the chest and back and listen to you breathe. I've never been sure exactly what it is they hope to get from that but I am used to going through motions.

After examining my chest he told me stand up and drop my pants! No one had mentioned this part before but what are you going to do? So I stand up and drop my pants and proceeds to examine my penis and testicles. A few turn your head and cough's later I assume were done and I can try and put my anxiety behind me. As it turned out my assumption was incorrect, as I started to pull up my pants he asked me to turn around and bend over. I can honestly say that the only thing worse than a prostate exam is a surprise prostate exam.

I have heard the funny stories from adults and comedians and their personal experiences and I honestly assumed they were subject of exaggeration. The whole thing never seemed like that big of a deal, but then I had never had one. I can share the details of the procedure if someone wants to hear them. I will say I was definitely not prepared for the experience and had they mentioned it I might have actually read a little more about the procedure and what to expect. I think the doctors execution of the procedure made it a little more uncomfortable than it needed to be. Immediately after he finished he got up and went to the door and started to leave. I am glad he had the presence of mind to push the door back closed and wait for me to at least pull up my pants. As it was he almost treated the staff to a nice image of my hairy butt bent over a table. Though honestly I don't think anyone there would care.

We have another appointment scheduled for next week. I am to give another "sample" and then in 1 hour we will meet to discuss the results of the blood work and the comparison of the two samples.

"SA"mple Experience

The day of my appointment to give a "sample" for analysis came and went without much trouble. I wasn't as anxious as I had assumed I might be. We met a very nice nurse that was currently going through a similar situation with her husband. It was funny but she told us more in 5 minutes than anyone else has in the entire time we've been looking into this.

The experience wasn't exactly how I imagined it but I'm not really sure what I expected. They take you to a room not unlike any other room in a doctors office. They leave you a cup and shut the door. When you are "finished", you leave the sample in the office with the door open and go the receptionist for any remaining paperwork. If you have any "problems" giving a sample you can let them know and you can try again another time. That was it.

I understand that is a medical office and everyone was very professional. It just felt odd. I guess part of me expected they might have something for "inspiration" etc. Everything was just very rigid. Go down the hall into the room, masturbate until you reach ejaculation and collect your sample. Thank you Mr. Roboto. I consider myself lucky and grateful that my wife came with me. Just her being there made me feel a lot less awkward.

After speaking with the staff we went ahead and scheduled an appointment with the Urologist there. Contrary to what we were told I was able to get an appointment rather quickly. The Dr. will go over the results of my semen analysis at the next appointment as well check my hormone levels.

Note added from Randifity:
This is where we found out the idiot receptionist really frustrated the experience. For future reference, abstinence is required 2-5 days prior to giving a sample, or low results could be found. We also found out that the time we scheduled for the SA was the time the Dr. had available for an appointment. D'oh! The next SA appointment will be more like what can be expected, SA and then wait to meet the Dr. an hour later for results.

A Not So Wordless Wednesday About Roller Coasters

This is going to be a not so wordless Wednesday post. I do vow to start doing this, whatever is on my mind at the time will get "pictureized" and put here. It may or may not be TTC related, but more than likely will. I've set the alarm on my phone to remind me to blog since I'm not doing it regularly and I should.

If you haven't noticed by the ticker at the top, I've started a new cycle. The cycle that was so promising ended in disaster a day earlier than expected. I knew Friday, when my temp started to take a dive, that I was in for the roller coaster. What I didn't know was that the witch would show up early. My LP has never been any more or less than 15 days until the past two cycles. Last one was 14, previous one was 16. I think I much prefer the earlier one, truth be told.

I thought I handled it well, but it turns out that perhaps I was mistaken. The day that my temp started to fall, I called my mother and decided to do some bonding and get my mind off things. Well, it worked. The problem is, I didn't deal with the situation, I just put it off. So, instead a few days later after the euphoria wore off (from how well I handled the outcome and how proud I was of the dress I made) I quickly rolled down the steep hill of the roller coaster.

You see, I come to find that the first inklings of a lost cycle is like going up and down bunny hills of a roller coaster. But once you're about to find out for sure that the cycle is lost (either AF arrives or you know she's arriving soon) it's like you're sitting atop the highest peak of the roller coaster, right as it's about to plummet down the tracks. I was there Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday....you get the picture. I didn't realize I was still up there, teetering on the edge until I realized yesterday that I was beginning to fall. And my first thought, "Oh, shit".

Its been dragged out, which makes coping a lot worse. When I am hindered from expressing the full range of emotions at my own pace, then I can't get them all out and I am forced to deal with it a lot longer. So it looks like I'll have to deal with the roller coaster each month.

However something has come to my attention lately that I am not sure how to deal with. I really do try my best not to let my mood affect other people. When I am feeling down or grouchy, I usually go into hiding. However my husband is the only one that really has to deal with me in hiding on a regular basis. (I'm sorry honey, but I really do try not to take my bad mood out on you or turn you into a grouch.) Friday I went into hiding, even from him. I didn't communicate well with him and some things about that didn't surface until yesterday during an argument.

He feels guilty about us not getting pregnant yet. He feel guilty that he puts me through this roller coaster every month. He hates seeing me like this, but feels helpless to do anything about it. I'm torn. I feel bad because I feel like I've been selfish in feeling like I'm in this alone and that he doesn't understand. But I know I'd never know unless he told me or showed me that he was in pain. I also feel guilty because I feel like if I were a stronger person I wouldn't be so easily upset and then I could protect him from that pain. But, I'm not a stronger person, I feel these emotions and I don't know how to deal with the knowledge that I'm now causing him pain because I am in pain.

What Is Dignity For?

My wife and I decided before we got married that we want to wait for a while to have children. Our life was still hectic and uncertain and while you often hear, "If you wait until your ready you'll never have kids", we decided to trust our instincts. Years passed and time brought with it stability and finally we decided we were ready to start a family.

It was all fairly simple in my mind; we decide to have children, we "mate", 9 months later we have twins. I was fairly certain the entire ordeal would only take one shot. When our first attempt failed, I was playfully indignant but I figured next time for sure. After a few months next time's were beginning to seem tiresome. We were somewhat impatient and after all everyone else it seemed was expecting so why not us? For days after ovulation we would try to read signs from temperatures charts like fortune tellers with tea leaves. Neither of us wanted to get our hopes up but I think we were both secretly hopeful.

Time seemed to drag on for a while and finally my wife suggested perhaps we take an extra step and check our fertility. The common sense approach of course being to test me first because it is simpler and cheaper. I remember as a child secretly fearing I might be sterile. I don't know why I worried about and as I got older I eventually put it out of my mind. My thoughts wondered back to this but I eventually dismissed it. I agreed and it was settled, I would get tested. After some gentle reminders from my wife I finally decided to call my doctor.

The idea of being tested never really bothered me, perhaps it hadn't sunk in. In my mind I simply imagined it as a quick "pit stop" followed by a call a week or so later confirming everything was fine. I picked up the phone and called my Doctor's office and after navigating the voice menus a receptionist answered the phone. It was in this moment, of all times, that the reality sank in. Up until this moment I hadn't actually spoken the words to anyone. Apparently whatever I said came out as a mumble, because she kindly asked me to repeat what I had said. My thoughts strayed for a moment to her voice. The receptionists in my Doctor's office are all young attractive women roughly our age and I'm about to discuss with them about having my semen tested. I reminded myself that I'm not 5 and repeated myself, "I would like to schedule an appointment for a semen analysis for fertility." She was very kind and explained that I would need to see a Urologist but because of my insurance I could just call one in my network and schedule an appointment without a referral. I thanked her and told my wife the news who then pulled up a list of Urologists in our area that were supported by our insurance.

Everything seemed by going pretty smooth. The next day I chose a number from the list and called. I navigated through the voice menus until I reached a receptionist. I started to explain that I was calling to schedule an appointment when she cut me off and told me she needed my information before we could go any further. She seemed very irritated and after of 5 minutes of questions she finally asked me what the appointment was for. Having gotten over my initial cold feet, I simply stated, "I needed to schedule a semen analysis for fertility". Her reply was, "Umm, we don't even do that here", in a tone that suggested I should have already been aware of this fact. According to her, there was only one Doctor in the that group and they didn't have an office on my side of town. If I really wanted to see him I could schedule an appointment, but it would be a couple of months out. The whole ordeal was aggravating and her attitude was uncalled for.

After a while, I decided to call a different Doctor a little farther away. After speaking to the receptionist and explaining my problem I realized all the numbers on the list were from the same group. Even though they were all Urologists, only one specialized fertility issues. The woman explained, however, that if just wanted the analysis done all I would need to do was call my Doctor's office and ask for a "Script" and then call back to schedule an appointment at a lab. Now at least I knew what to do.

As it turns out our Doctor's office takes the last few days of the year off, so around the first week of January I called and explained the situation to yet another person (Fourth time's a charm?). At this point it feels as though I may as well being wearing a tee-shirt with some catchy way of saying, "My troopers don't march!", but I've come this far and dignity was never that useful anyway. She informed me she would write down the details and speak to the Doctor and later that day they would call and let me know if he would write the "script". Once we had picked up the "script" I called the Urologist's office once again and explained the situation to another receptionist.

This receptionist didn't have a bad attitude but it was apparent that speaking with me was a chore. After confirming I had the script, she read the next available appointment and asked me if I wanted it. I agreed and she simply said, "Okay, your appointment is at the lab, don't forget your script". It became immediately apparent that this was all the information she was going to provide so I injected before she could disconnect. Now I was feeling a little embarrassed. I had assumed they would give me at least a little more information when I made an appointment, but I was wrong. So I asked, in my awkwardness, if I needed to abstain from um... anything sexual... or something for some amount of time? She replied, "48 hours", but her tone of voice told me it was more of an opinion and that she really just grabbed a common sense number that would seem reasonable so I would just hang up. I obliged her and hung up with sense of disappointment.

The problem is awkward enough to absorb without adding to it the poor manners and service. I still have a lot of questions. What do I expect? Am I just going to show up at some office to be greeted by some grinning receptionist that sends me off to a little room to ... well you get the picture? Can my wife go with me? I've heard that sometimes you can "bring the sample from home", is that option available? It feels like the onus for knowing these processes lies solely on the patient. Questions are met with the attitude, "you have the Internet just look it up". As of yet, I'm not really that nervous, but perhaps at the clinic.

All in all, if it turns out I'm fine and my wife decides to get tested, I really hope they are nicer to her than they have been to me.

Obsession

Ah yes, I have been obsessing. I'm in my 2WW, little more than half way through, and I've just about worn out the chart overlay button on http://www.fertilityfriend.com

Yesterday I had a dip of a half a degree and this morning it was right back up, classic signs of an implantation dip. I also had some minor achy and crampy feelings last night while we were at the football game. They were bad enough that I wish I had brought some Tylenol and that I wasn't standing most of the game.

The only thing that does concern me about today's temp was that I didn't go to bed until about 2am and we realized that the house temp was set much higher than normal (almost 10 degrees since we drop it down when we sleep), then the cat woke us up at 4:30 and I was so hot that I had a hard time getting back to sleep. So I had 4 hours of interrupted sleep before I took my temperature. I'm not sure if that would give me a higher or lower than usual reading. It is noted on my chart but it is driving me crazy! I want to go to bed and wake up in the morning so I can get a more accurate reading. The only down side to that, is well tomorrow is Monday. :(

As for signs and symptoms, I have reverted back to how I was before I started TTC and charting. I rarely ever had any PMS/Pregnancy symptoms. I was always tired during the 2WW, but never realized it was related to the progesterone. I never had sore breasts or mood swings or bloating or anything like that. Usually exactly 7 days before AF I would have a bout of irritability, then sometimes I would feel down or be more sensitive. So my chart has been pretty bare, and I'm currently at 7DBAF (Days Before AF) and no signs of irritability or sadness. The only thing that's been a little unusual is the cramping I've been feeling. Whenever I get cramps, it's usually w/i hours of AF arriving.

So FX and *babydust* for me for a BFP. If temperatures are still high tomorrow, then I'll probably test before DH's SA this week, but even then it might be too soon for a positive.

Since Last Cycle...

We've seen a new year and quite a bit has occurred in the way of TTC.

First off, we're sick, or at least recovering now. We started coming down with symptoms on the first, what a great way to start the new year! AF arrived on Christmas morning. She was late, but no BFP. Let me tell you, it was a heartbreak after a heartbreak. I felt that I wasn't pregnant on Dec.22nd even before I tested. AF was due on the 24th, but she didn't arrive, mild cramping but not even a spot. I barely slept that night, a combination of being restless and being excited that I might be preggo. I even wasted a digital test that morning, BFN :(

The rest of the week was pretty much a blur. I couldn't really concentrate on work, I couldn't concentrate on my cycle, so I decided au natural this time. Just me, DH, the therm and some OPKs. I did end up taking guaifensin because of being sick, hey two bird/one stone!

At Christmas I told one sister to find a place to donate the crib. Since so many cribs have been recalled we thought it best to just get a new one. The crib has history, so it was sad to turn it down but I'd feel more safe with a new one. Another sister overheard the conversation and asked if we were going to see a LO in the near future and I said, "I dunno, I dunno if it'll ever happen". Of course by this time all my sisters were near so they all know of my IF concerns. I am glad they know and glad to be outed in such a casual way. I think my brother even knows because he he walked in on the "have him get tested first" part of the conversation. I just told him he didn't want to know what the pow wow was about, lol. He's used to it by now.

I did have a nice talk with my sister about her struggles with IF on NYE. I won't go into too much here because its her story to tell, but maybe one day I'll have her write a post about her experience. She even offered to be a surrogate for me if it came down to it. The talk was very comforting. Not only was she able to give me a lot of information and resources, but she also offered reassurance that some of what I was feeling was completely normal.

Also during the past two weeks, I have booked an appointment with the birth center and the midwives there to tour the facilities. They also cover well-women care so perhaps I'll make an appointment for an exam. I do hope I like the facilities and their policies as I'd love to have my birthing experience in a place other than a hospital. We are also in the process of getting an SA scheduled. I'll try and get DH to write about that experience.

Because we've been sick we haven't really been BDing as much but we seemed to have timed things well enough. The break has also rejuvenated a bit of our stamina. I am so very lucky though. On CD11 I contemplated starting OPKs, but decided not too. I didn't want to waste them since I never O before CD14. Since I had been sick, I was concerned that it would actually be delayed, but hoped for CD17. I started OPKs on CD14 and got a blaring positive. I'm glad I didn't wait any longer to start them!

Fingers crossed that I'll have to give my unopened box of CBEs (Clearblue Easy) to my TTC friend because I won't need 'em! Do you realize that it's quite possible to have a 10/10/10 baby from this cycle. How cool would that be??

Witty Title About SA

Yeah, I couldn't come up with one either.

So, DH finally got a script for an SA. We picked it up from the doctor's office when he went in for his cold/flu thingy we've been fighting. It gave us a giggle because the nurse there opened up the sealed envelope (it was waiting to be picked up, we just happened to get an appointment later and picked it up) to double check that it was right. She said, "and this lab work for a blood, err, umm, a test". I'm sure they are not accustom to these tests, but it still made us both giggle for most of the day. DH was completely alright with their little faux pas, and try to make them feel at ease about it.

The process it took to get the actual script for the SA is not as easy or as humorous, however. It was quite frustrating really, partially us being uninformed and partially a 3rd party being uninformed.

See, the whole process started with DH considering getting checked out. I'm not sure what prompted the move but since he talked about it, I tried to do what I could to give him the resources without actually doing it for him. I want to empower him through the TTC process so he doesn't feel like he's just a donor.

He found some research and decided on some lifestyle changes, ones I had recommended a few months ago. Mostly they have to do with limiting hot showers/baths, stop using the heating pad, and start taking a daily vitamin. Typical guy, he doesn't believe me until someone or something backs it up. Anyway...

Shortly before Christmas I "bugged" him into calling the GP to figure out if they would write the script or if they would refer to a urologist. They informed us that our insurance doesn't require referrals (already knew that but thanks), but gave us a few phone numbers for urologists in their hospital network. I also gave DH a list of Urologists covered in our network.

He called around and got some mixed messages from people. The idiot receptionist wanted to know what his symptoms were (uhh, lack of pregnancy?) then couldn't give any details about the SA and what is required and said they don't have a doctor that does that. Called back and got a different receptionist, the helpful one said there is a doctor 30 miles away that can do it, but we'd have to make an appointment and that the doctor wouldn't want to or need to see him but won't just order and SA so we'd have to have our GP write it. But of course when we called the GP first, it was just going to be a referral, no script.

By the time DH was able to call GP to explain the situation, the office was closed. Upon calling the next day and talking to a nurse and describing the situation, we got a script written from the GP but the office would be closed until the new year. When we get it we will need to call helpful receptionist to schedule an SA at one of the offices 30 miles away. And no, they don't allow drop off so we actually have to go in. Being the nice wife that I am, I agreed to go in with DH to help him, kinky.

GP's office is 30 miles away. I love my GP and so does DH. He's been my doctor since I was 12. I grew up and moved away, but we love him so much we kept him even though it's absurdly long way to go for a doctor. We've been sick since the 1st and it was also my fertile period so no SA. I'm not putting a cycle on hold, and we wouldn't get real good results during that time anyway. But at least we have a script, now we just need to schedule it.

I'm hoping that we'll get a BFP before we get the results back. ;)

I Resolve (2010 edition)

Ambition
2010 has a lot going for me. Things with work are looking up, even with the added stress. I know part of my stress in 2009 is due to feeling lost. I also realize part of that feeling has to do with feeling restless. In my work history, my tenure at a company or a position within a company rarely lasts as long as this one has. I've become accustomed to projects ending or moving on after determining the company is not a good fit for me.

The University was little over 2 years, but I changed roles 6 months or so into starting. I left because it was just a job to get experience and make some extra cash while going to college. Tech job was roughly 21 months and I decided about 18 months or so to get out because the work stagnated. Contracting was 18 months and was meant to be a stepping stone out of Tech/desktop Support. I'm nearing 20 months in my current position. The difference between this job and the rest being that I see a viable future where I am at, even if I still have some growing to do to get there.

Debt Free
One thing we failed at, and at least partially deliberately, was continuing a debt free lifestyle. We took on a bit of debt getting the basement finished. We were cautious about it, trying to cut corners and doing some work ourselves. It has saved us some money so were not as deep as we could be. One goal that I have is to return to the investing and erase the debt. I have already set up automatic depositing into the various accounts and going to bump it up once the debt is gone. The debt should be gone by mid year, if not sooner due to tax return.

Improve Health
Another goal is focusing on our health. I have succeeded in taking vitamins and drinking mostly water during the day, which was a goal I did accomplish in 2009. For the most part I am pretty good about not going out to lunch every day, however I'm still having problems eating healthy on the go. I must find a resolution to this. Also, we weren't as consistent about being as active as we should be.

One thing that differed from 08-09 is the amount of Dr./medical visits, they dropped considerably. I had to go out and spend my flex medical dollars on glasses this year and I may have still lost some money.

In The Family Way
I'm sorry Jason, but you lost your bet. No pregnancy announcement in store for the last hours of 2009. My goal is at least a 2010 baby, at latest would make a great birthday surprise. If that doesn't happen then we'll be on the quest to figure out why. First I must determine what insurance will and will not pay for.

A Toast
Here's to a new year full of growth, in more than one way. The true challenge is figuring out how to get and keep the momentum instead of starting and restarting. Any suggestions on that last part would be greatly appreciated.

Happy 2010 friends!

This post is xposted to my personal blog.