I've been a bad blogger this week. I haven't posted in a while, or commented on any one's blogs. I'm sorry. I've worked late just about every night this week.
For now I am on DPO 15, which means AF is due tomorrow. My temps started dropping 3 days ago and I've had two BFNs. Despite no AF, I partied last night with my neighbor for her birthday.
It was a great night, and much needed letting loose by me. I'm not much of a drinker but I found a new drink I can handle. I'm not a fan of either Red Bull or Jagermeister, but I really like Jägerbombs. I don't even remember the last time I went to a bar, it's been a while.
The goals for today, rehydration (yay for no hangover) and more spring cleaning.
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
(Pro)state Of Mind: Anxiety
We met with my Urologist the other day to discuss the results of my "sample" and have my hormone levels checked. We didn't see the nurse we spoke to last time. The new nurse was kind but cold. The doctor met with us and though he answered our questions he also seemed distant and cold. We were both surprised by some of the information he gave us as it seemed to contradict thing that we had already "learned".
According to the doctor position is not a factor in pregnancy. His statement was, "As long as the man can ejaculate into the vagina that is all that matters". My wife has been in the habit of laying with her hips elevated for 15 to 20 minutes after ejaculation, a practice he suggested was unnecessary and a waste a time. He did say that hot baths can be an issue but that hot showers, sleeping under a heated blanket, or even sitting on a heating pad would not affect semen.
After answering some questions he moved into an explanation of the numbers and what they meant. For he most part my numbers are good. One number was a borderline and the other was a little low, all others were average or above. Apparently I have viable semen they are just sort of directionally challenged. If you know anything about me this extremely funny as I myself am directionally challenged. We had kind of hoped or expected that he would lay out at least some sort of preliminary plan or suggestion but he offered no advice on how to proceed.
In the meantime he wanted to do a physical checkup and blood draw. I'm not that fond of needles so I wasn't looking forward to the blood draw, but after the physical checkup it didn't matter quite as much. The check up was pretty much routine at first, stethoscope on the chest and back and listen to you breathe. I've never been sure exactly what it is they hope to get from that but I am used to going through motions.
After examining my chest he told me stand up and drop my pants! No one had mentioned this part before but what are you going to do? So I stand up and drop my pants and proceeds to examine my penis and testicles. A few turn your head and cough's later I assume were done and I can try and put my anxiety behind me. As it turned out my assumption was incorrect, as I started to pull up my pants he asked me to turn around and bend over. I can honestly say that the only thing worse than a prostate exam is a surprise prostate exam.
I have heard the funny stories from adults and comedians and their personal experiences and I honestly assumed they were subject of exaggeration. The whole thing never seemed like that big of a deal, but then I had never had one. I can share the details of the procedure if someone wants to hear them. I will say I was definitely not prepared for the experience and had they mentioned it I might have actually read a little more about the procedure and what to expect. I think the doctors execution of the procedure made it a little more uncomfortable than it needed to be. Immediately after he finished he got up and went to the door and started to leave. I am glad he had the presence of mind to push the door back closed and wait for me to at least pull up my pants. As it was he almost treated the staff to a nice image of my hairy butt bent over a table. Though honestly I don't think anyone there would care.
We have another appointment scheduled for next week. I am to give another "sample" and then in 1 hour we will meet to discuss the results of the blood work and the comparison of the two samples.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
A Not So Wordless Wednesday About Roller Coasters
This is going to be a not so wordless Wednesday post. I do vow to start doing this, whatever is on my mind at the time will get "pictureized" and put here. It may or may not be TTC related, but more than likely will. I've set the alarm on my phone to remind me to blog since I'm not doing it regularly and I should.
If you haven't noticed by the ticker at the top, I've started a new cycle. The cycle that was so promising ended in disaster a day earlier than expected. I knew Friday, when my temp started to take a dive, that I was in for the roller coaster. What I didn't know was that the witch would show up early. My LP has never been any more or less than 15 days until the past two cycles. Last one was 14, previous one was 16. I think I much prefer the earlier one, truth be told.
I thought I handled it well, but it turns out that perhaps I was mistaken. The day that my temp started to fall, I called my mother and decided to do some bonding and get my mind off things. Well, it worked. The problem is, I didn't deal with the situation, I just put it off. So, instead a few days later after the euphoria wore off (from how well I handled the outcome and how proud I was of the dress I made) I quickly rolled down the steep hill of the roller coaster.
You see, I come to find that the first inklings of a lost cycle is like going up and down bunny hills of a roller coaster. But once you're about to find out for sure that the cycle is lost (either AF arrives or you know she's arriving soon) it's like you're sitting atop the highest peak of the roller coaster, right as it's about to plummet down the tracks. I was there Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday....you get the picture. I didn't realize I was still up there, teetering on the edge until I realized yesterday that I was beginning to fall. And my first thought, "Oh, shit".
Its been dragged out, which makes coping a lot worse. When I am hindered from expressing the full range of emotions at my own pace, then I can't get them all out and I am forced to deal with it a lot longer. So it looks like I'll have to deal with the roller coaster each month.
However something has come to my attention lately that I am not sure how to deal with. I really do try my best not to let my mood affect other people. When I am feeling down or grouchy, I usually go into hiding. However my husband is the only one that really has to deal with me in hiding on a regular basis. (I'm sorry honey, but I really do try not to take my bad mood out on you or turn you into a grouch.) Friday I went into hiding, even from him. I didn't communicate well with him and some things about that didn't surface until yesterday during an argument.
He feels guilty about us not getting pregnant yet. He feel guilty that he puts me through this roller coaster every month. He hates seeing me like this, but feels helpless to do anything about it. I'm torn. I feel bad because I feel like I've been selfish in feeling like I'm in this alone and that he doesn't understand. But I know I'd never know unless he told me or showed me that he was in pain. I also feel guilty because I feel like if I were a stronger person I wouldn't be so easily upset and then I could protect him from that pain. But, I'm not a stronger person, I feel these emotions and I don't know how to deal with the knowledge that I'm now causing him pain because I am in pain.
If you haven't noticed by the ticker at the top, I've started a new cycle. The cycle that was so promising ended in disaster a day earlier than expected. I knew Friday, when my temp started to take a dive, that I was in for the roller coaster. What I didn't know was that the witch would show up early. My LP has never been any more or less than 15 days until the past two cycles. Last one was 14, previous one was 16. I think I much prefer the earlier one, truth be told.
I thought I handled it well, but it turns out that perhaps I was mistaken. The day that my temp started to fall, I called my mother and decided to do some bonding and get my mind off things. Well, it worked. The problem is, I didn't deal with the situation, I just put it off. So, instead a few days later after the euphoria wore off (from how well I handled the outcome and how proud I was of the dress I made) I quickly rolled down the steep hill of the roller coaster.
You see, I come to find that the first inklings of a lost cycle is like going up and down bunny hills of a roller coaster. But once you're about to find out for sure that the cycle is lost (either AF arrives or you know she's arriving soon) it's like you're sitting atop the highest peak of the roller coaster, right as it's about to plummet down the tracks. I was there Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday....you get the picture. I didn't realize I was still up there, teetering on the edge until I realized yesterday that I was beginning to fall. And my first thought, "Oh, shit".
Its been dragged out, which makes coping a lot worse. When I am hindered from expressing the full range of emotions at my own pace, then I can't get them all out and I am forced to deal with it a lot longer. So it looks like I'll have to deal with the roller coaster each month.
However something has come to my attention lately that I am not sure how to deal with. I really do try my best not to let my mood affect other people. When I am feeling down or grouchy, I usually go into hiding. However my husband is the only one that really has to deal with me in hiding on a regular basis. (I'm sorry honey, but I really do try not to take my bad mood out on you or turn you into a grouch.) Friday I went into hiding, even from him. I didn't communicate well with him and some things about that didn't surface until yesterday during an argument.
He feels guilty about us not getting pregnant yet. He feel guilty that he puts me through this roller coaster every month. He hates seeing me like this, but feels helpless to do anything about it. I'm torn. I feel bad because I feel like I've been selfish in feeling like I'm in this alone and that he doesn't understand. But I know I'd never know unless he told me or showed me that he was in pain. I also feel guilty because I feel like if I were a stronger person I wouldn't be so easily upset and then I could protect him from that pain. But, I'm not a stronger person, I feel these emotions and I don't know how to deal with the knowledge that I'm now causing him pain because I am in pain.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
My Heart Hurts
My heart hurts, it is shattered today. I knew of the BFN even before I even tested. I shouldn't have tested, just another $1 and a handful of tears down the drain.
My heart hurts and my mind is burdened with the knowledge that the only people who can comfort me right know, that truly understand my plight, can only give virtual hugs. I do appreciate the community found online, but still there's something powerful about someone who is there to wipe away the tears.
When will it be my turn? When can I experience the bundle of joy?
My heart hurts and my mind is burdened with the knowledge that the only people who can comfort me right know, that truly understand my plight, can only give virtual hugs. I do appreciate the community found online, but still there's something powerful about someone who is there to wipe away the tears.
When will it be my turn? When can I experience the bundle of joy?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hold On Just A Dang Minute!
After a few days of thinking about our situation, my feelings haven't changed much. I'm still feeling frustrated and discouraged, but will changes make me feel better? I guess only time will tell.
Will I likely become pregnant by the end of the year? I feel doubtful. AF likely has a 'gift' addressed to me for Christmas. Will it happen within a year? That I am hopeful for, almost desperately so.
At about 11DPO I knew in my heart that my cycle was a bust, even as I willed my temperatures to increase each morning. Each morning I watch it fall. The usual month I won't know for sure until 13DPO.
I feel like a failure, DH and I sat down yesterday and I told him that I was giving up on TTC for now. It's too much pressure, especially when he goes out and tells his family that we're trying. So in a way I am dreading the holidays and the questioning looks that will inevitably tag along. What do I tell them? Technically we're taking a hiatus, but I don't really want to or like the idea of sharing bedroom antics with relatives. Awkward.
I'm still charting some signs for reference, but no special supplements or temperatures. It's evident that I am ovulating and that we're timing things well, so it's not a big deal if I stop with the BBT. I'm just going to rely on what mother nature tells me.
It just stinks that it really takes a year before anyone in the medical field will take this seriously. I'd just like a few tests, blood work or SA just to tell us that it's not all for naught. Its a lot of pain and stress to go through for a year to find out nothing would have happened.
All I can say is that it's been a hell of a year and not just because of TTC. I'll be glad if the year end on a good note. So for that reason, I'm going to try extra hard to enjoy the holidays on my terms. It'll be nice to start over with a clean slate at the beginning of the year. I know it's cheesy to think that, but it feel like it to me, even the beginning of a week feels the same.
Thinking of the future gets me feeling hopeful...gets me out of the mood of dwelling on current problems. I'm even, gasp, listening to a Christmas carol station on Pandora!
Will I likely become pregnant by the end of the year? I feel doubtful. AF likely has a 'gift' addressed to me for Christmas. Will it happen within a year? That I am hopeful for, almost desperately so.
At about 11DPO I knew in my heart that my cycle was a bust, even as I willed my temperatures to increase each morning. Each morning I watch it fall. The usual month I won't know for sure until 13DPO.
I feel like a failure, DH and I sat down yesterday and I told him that I was giving up on TTC for now. It's too much pressure, especially when he goes out and tells his family that we're trying. So in a way I am dreading the holidays and the questioning looks that will inevitably tag along. What do I tell them? Technically we're taking a hiatus, but I don't really want to or like the idea of sharing bedroom antics with relatives. Awkward.
I'm still charting some signs for reference, but no special supplements or temperatures. It's evident that I am ovulating and that we're timing things well, so it's not a big deal if I stop with the BBT. I'm just going to rely on what mother nature tells me.
It just stinks that it really takes a year before anyone in the medical field will take this seriously. I'd just like a few tests, blood work or SA just to tell us that it's not all for naught. Its a lot of pain and stress to go through for a year to find out nothing would have happened.
All I can say is that it's been a hell of a year and not just because of TTC. I'll be glad if the year end on a good note. So for that reason, I'm going to try extra hard to enjoy the holidays on my terms. It'll be nice to start over with a clean slate at the beginning of the year. I know it's cheesy to think that, but it feel like it to me, even the beginning of a week feels the same.
Thinking of the future gets me feeling hopeful...gets me out of the mood of dwelling on current problems. I'm even, gasp, listening to a Christmas carol station on Pandora!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Do These Pink Lines Bring Out The Green In My Eyes?
Last month week was particularly hard for me as we had spent the later part of my 2ww believing that I was pregnant. My temperatures steadily increased and I had some major unexplained and unexpected cramping. My chart was even tagged as being triphasic. I blogged about my excitement.
But lo and behold AF arrived right on time. I mean like right exactly on time, like she was proud, at 12am on what would have been 16DPO. It was supposed to be my month. We did everything perfectly, I even had dreams of BFPs. When I woke up on 15DPO in a sweat, I was excited. Woohoo, my temperature is up! Tears dripped from my face when I realized that my temperature had actually fallen quite a bit. My body had betrayed me. I mourned another month.
I was fine until today. I have learned thus far of at least 7, yes count them 7, BFPs the past 2 weeks and today was just a breaking point. Thus begins another dip in the emotional roller coaster of TTC. I feel really guilty because I am happy for these people but my eyes have taken an unusual shade of green lately. When is it my turn? I'm not normally an envious person. I do wish these women wonderful pregnancies, I just wish I could be on the journey with them.
I'm going to be drowning my sorrow and my tears in a glass of wine tonight, because I can. All I have to console me is knowing that the Lord will not throw at me any more than I can handle. I can't say if I am being tested or not, but perhaps this is just to make me a stronger person. I have to admit that today I have felt like a very weak person.
But lo and behold AF arrived right on time. I mean like right exactly on time, like she was proud, at 12am on what would have been 16DPO. It was supposed to be my month. We did everything perfectly, I even had dreams of BFPs. When I woke up on 15DPO in a sweat, I was excited. Woohoo, my temperature is up! Tears dripped from my face when I realized that my temperature had actually fallen quite a bit. My body had betrayed me. I mourned another month.
I was fine until today. I have learned thus far of at least 7, yes count them 7, BFPs the past 2 weeks and today was just a breaking point. Thus begins another dip in the emotional roller coaster of TTC. I feel really guilty because I am happy for these people but my eyes have taken an unusual shade of green lately. When is it my turn? I'm not normally an envious person. I do wish these women wonderful pregnancies, I just wish I could be on the journey with them.
I'm going to be drowning my sorrow and my tears in a glass of wine tonight, because I can. All I have to console me is knowing that the Lord will not throw at me any more than I can handle. I can't say if I am being tested or not, but perhaps this is just to make me a stronger person. I have to admit that today I have felt like a very weak person.
1Cor10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
BFN
AF arrived, so no BFP this month. I'm a little down, only because after experiencing so many symptoms I was sure that I was. Although I am not experiencing near the depression I had last month. I'll get through it but I think that I'll skip on the BBT charting the next few days.
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