Meeting Dr. Puzzle

My first appointment with the RE (Dr.Puzzle) went pretty smoothly, well until the morning after when a had a mini-freakout. More on that later. So, I think I really like Dr.Puzzle, but he also seems to be a bit hard to read. I felt very relaxed with him, which is great. I'm the kind of gal that only goes to women doctors for her annual poking and prodding. I thought it kind of sucked that the majority (Like 95%) of REs out there are male doctors. I thought it would be a problem, but he was very relaxed and I felt really at ease with him.

The reason I call him Dr.Puzzle is because during our consultation he'd give me these looks, almost like he's giving me the evil eye. Kind of like if he looks at me a certain way I'll give up the key to my problem. It honestly was a little off-putting. That's when it dawned on me that he sees it as a puzzle, trying to look at it from different angles. He loves a puzzle, and a puzzle is what I gave him!

So, a bit of our history he wanted. We're both healthy, under 30 and unsuccessfully TTC for almost a year. I showed my charts which easily show that I ovulate, on average, between CD14 and CD16. No spotting, no difficult symptoms, no low or high temperatures and LP is normal. In fact, he wrote "Excellent Charts" in his notes. DH's numbers are a bit on the low side, but still normal. I got acquainted with Wandy rather quickly, and unexpectedly. Ultrasound showed everything was perfectly normal and he even showed where I had ovulated from my right ovary and pointed out the follicles that were still visible. The best looking ovaries he'd seen all day.

My case baffles him. I have mixed emotions about that. For me, the unknown is more scary and more frustrating that anything else. The diagnosis I would loathe to hear, "Unexplained Infertility". I know it could be worse, which is why I am comforted that it still looks like we're good to go, just that our number hasn't come up yet.

He asked me what I thought might be the problem, and I said I didn't know, that this is what is frustrating to us. I should have stated my position right there, that the reason I was there was to find a diagnosis and not just throw treatments at it. I was enamoured by the fact that I appeared to be fine (I was afraid I had cyst on my left ovary). Dr.Puzzle doesn't see the need to medically try to induce ovulation since I appear to be doing a capable job on my own. His recommendation was to head into an unmedicated IUI, and that he thinks the problem might like in the motility numbers and that IUI is all we'd need. At roughly $200 (!!!!!) a pop, not a bad deal at all.

We had a bit more conversation where we got to know Dr.Puzzle and his practice a little more. We met with someone from billing about insurance and fees and what not. That's where we learned that IUI is closer to $800 after all office visits, that the $200 was just the IUI procedure. IVF is $12,000-$14,000, which includes everything and cost depends on what stims are used. Insurance, of course, does not cover treatment at all. Then we waxed unpoetically about frustrations around the politics of it all.

I was instructed to call at CD1 IF it arrived (FX that it doesn't) and to call again the day I ovulate to get in for the IUI. It wasn't until after I left the office that I hadn't spoken about wanting a diagnosis and not just a treatment plan. Apparently it was bothering me more than I thought because when the cat woke me up the next morning I couldn't get back to sleep.

My biggest fear, that he had given an official diagnosis of infertility and that we'd go through with the IUI or several IUIs only to finally get an HSG scheduled and find out that I have blocked tubes. Almost $1000 a try, and then have to pay for the HSG out of pocket on top of it? It only makes sense to me to try the HSG first since insurance will cover diagnostic tests, plus HSG can help increase fertility by cleaning out the cobwebs.

So from 5am-8am I fretted about the fact that I'll probably not get the test done and that he's already flagged me for infertility. I left a message with the receptionist who called back a few hours later, and calmed me a bit. The visit was not coded for infertility and she'd pass the message to Dr.Puzzle after she got his dictated notes. Hopefully I'll hear something before CD1

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Tomorrow I have decided to break up my torrid love/hate relationship of roughly 1 year. At times it was all consuming. The first thing I kissed in the morning and the last thing I touched before falling asleep. Some days I swore it off, threatening to end it all then and there in a fit of rage. Other days I sought its comfort and reassurance.

I met with the RE and he suggested that I could end the relationship, should I so choose. It's usefulness has all run out and the proof is in ink. I can stand up proudly and proclaim, I know I can O.

So, farewell to you, Mr. Thermometer. Its been a lovely ride but you are no longer needed. I think in the long run, I would be better off without you in my life. No more pouring over charts and 2ww temps to indicate any signs. After tomorrow I will no longer be a slave to your beeps and lack of a day glow light that requires me to shine my phone at you to see your face.

Please don't stare at me with your 97.70 eyes, or show me how LO you're feeling. You cannot guilt me back. If you are good, I will store you with some pink wrapped pillows for the next 9 months.

Farewell O Thermometer, it was a wild ride while it lasted.

Making Up For Lost Time?

If you recall, last month I was really frustrated about my cycle.

This month seems to be taking a dramatic turn of events, perhaps making up for lost time last month? I'm not complaining, seriously very happy about feeling back to normal. My signs are about 5 days early though, so it's throwing me off a bit.

I'm thinking of starting OPKs earlier, perhaps in the next day or two depending on the rest of my signs.

My Private Hell

I am so lost.

I'm confused, angry, sad, unconfident, infertile.

I hate all of these feelings TTC puts me through, or at least this cycle. I feel like a broken record. Again, I don't know if/when I have ovulated. My temp took a dive this morning. I've stopped OPKing because I got my +'s but now my temp dropped and I'm wondering if I even ovulated at all.

Why is this happening to me now? I've had spot on cycles every month until March. This really hurts. I'm not even sure why I am continuing to try this month. I'm losing a lot of faith that anything good will come out of this cycle. I was just trying to get a glimpse of when AF might arrive.

I was so mad this morning, I almost threw my thermometer, shattering it against the wall. I feel like I am in my own private hell. DH is still asleep in the other room and I am suffering alone.

I need a distraction. A big one, and I'm tired of using work as my fallback.

I'm Dreaming Of An Introduction

Got a + on the OPK tonight. Will be dreaming of a tango with these two for the next few nights.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Valentine's Day!

Me and my two loves

DH and I celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday since my sister was bring over her LO, who is 4. DH is so great with her, which left time for my sister and I to catch up (and for me to work on her computer). The 4 of us ate a heart shaped pizza for dinner.

The day before, DH and I did some shopping and had dinner with my parents. How romantic, yes I know. We've been celebrating all week really, just doing little things for each other. DH surprised me with flowers on Friday and I surprised him with an edible arrangement on Saturday.



Cycle Update
I'm currently on week 3, or 9DPO. My temps are sporadic, and never really established so its really hard to tell how the cycle is going. I'm maintaining cautious optimism. The Dr gave us a 15% chance of conceiving with DH's numbers and if my hormones are playing around with me this month, then I'm sure that's even lower. After all we're already at a bit of a disadvantage because of needing to watch our timing and getting a + OPK 2 days early.

I've been getting twitches in my lower abdomen lately, which is hopeful yet confusing. I'm trying really hard not to read too much into things. My bbs are starting to get a bit sore and I've been wanting to go to bed earlier every day, but other than that I've not felt anything special. No PMS even, but the week is still young.

To keep my days sane, I am attempting to not chart my temperature until the evening, before I go to bed. I'll take it in the morning still, but I won't check the thermometer until I go to bed. That way I can get out the emotion, get some sleep, and then feel hopeful in the morning. I'll report back my findings, and if I'll be doing it again. I'm going to do some research on my charts to determine would be the best time to start it. I'll have to check when my cycle temps start to get rocky. I'm thinking of starting it tomorrow, but since I have the day off I'm not sure that I can resist. :)

Ah yes, I also got the "are you" question today from my sister. We were talking about vitamins. I told her I was taking a prenatal at night and she interrupted me with a, "because you want to or because you have to" inquiry. LOL! Well, I've been taking them for a year now...

Cycle Update - Implantation Dip?

So, for a quick recap:
I got a positive OPK on the day after my Wordless Wednesday post last week, meaning I ovulated on Friday. I had a temperature dip to confirm that so I knew. The problem with that is that it was before my normal predicted fertile window, and it was 2 days before I expected to ovulate. So, we didn't get as much BDing or time it very well (couldn't DB every other day like planned). In one way, it's probably a blessing that it happened early because it was supposed to happen the day of the Superbowl and I'm sure not much action would have been had since we were hosting a party.

Today I am at 6DPO, and I had this

Implantation dip maybe? I am going to keep temping normally until it goes back up (hopefully shoots up tomorrow or it's not an ID). For sanity sake, after then, I am going to chart in the evening instead of in the morning. That way, low temp won't ruin my day.

FX!

Obsession

Ah yes, I have been obsessing. I'm in my 2WW, little more than half way through, and I've just about worn out the chart overlay button on http://www.fertilityfriend.com

Yesterday I had a dip of a half a degree and this morning it was right back up, classic signs of an implantation dip. I also had some minor achy and crampy feelings last night while we were at the football game. They were bad enough that I wish I had brought some Tylenol and that I wasn't standing most of the game.

The only thing that does concern me about today's temp was that I didn't go to bed until about 2am and we realized that the house temp was set much higher than normal (almost 10 degrees since we drop it down when we sleep), then the cat woke us up at 4:30 and I was so hot that I had a hard time getting back to sleep. So I had 4 hours of interrupted sleep before I took my temperature. I'm not sure if that would give me a higher or lower than usual reading. It is noted on my chart but it is driving me crazy! I want to go to bed and wake up in the morning so I can get a more accurate reading. The only down side to that, is well tomorrow is Monday. :(

As for signs and symptoms, I have reverted back to how I was before I started TTC and charting. I rarely ever had any PMS/Pregnancy symptoms. I was always tired during the 2WW, but never realized it was related to the progesterone. I never had sore breasts or mood swings or bloating or anything like that. Usually exactly 7 days before AF I would have a bout of irritability, then sometimes I would feel down or be more sensitive. So my chart has been pretty bare, and I'm currently at 7DBAF (Days Before AF) and no signs of irritability or sadness. The only thing that's been a little unusual is the cramping I've been feeling. Whenever I get cramps, it's usually w/i hours of AF arriving.

So FX and *babydust* for me for a BFP. If temperatures are still high tomorrow, then I'll probably test before DH's SA this week, but even then it might be too soon for a positive.

Since Last Cycle...

We've seen a new year and quite a bit has occurred in the way of TTC.

First off, we're sick, or at least recovering now. We started coming down with symptoms on the first, what a great way to start the new year! AF arrived on Christmas morning. She was late, but no BFP. Let me tell you, it was a heartbreak after a heartbreak. I felt that I wasn't pregnant on Dec.22nd even before I tested. AF was due on the 24th, but she didn't arrive, mild cramping but not even a spot. I barely slept that night, a combination of being restless and being excited that I might be preggo. I even wasted a digital test that morning, BFN :(

The rest of the week was pretty much a blur. I couldn't really concentrate on work, I couldn't concentrate on my cycle, so I decided au natural this time. Just me, DH, the therm and some OPKs. I did end up taking guaifensin because of being sick, hey two bird/one stone!

At Christmas I told one sister to find a place to donate the crib. Since so many cribs have been recalled we thought it best to just get a new one. The crib has history, so it was sad to turn it down but I'd feel more safe with a new one. Another sister overheard the conversation and asked if we were going to see a LO in the near future and I said, "I dunno, I dunno if it'll ever happen". Of course by this time all my sisters were near so they all know of my IF concerns. I am glad they know and glad to be outed in such a casual way. I think my brother even knows because he he walked in on the "have him get tested first" part of the conversation. I just told him he didn't want to know what the pow wow was about, lol. He's used to it by now.

I did have a nice talk with my sister about her struggles with IF on NYE. I won't go into too much here because its her story to tell, but maybe one day I'll have her write a post about her experience. She even offered to be a surrogate for me if it came down to it. The talk was very comforting. Not only was she able to give me a lot of information and resources, but she also offered reassurance that some of what I was feeling was completely normal.

Also during the past two weeks, I have booked an appointment with the birth center and the midwives there to tour the facilities. They also cover well-women care so perhaps I'll make an appointment for an exam. I do hope I like the facilities and their policies as I'd love to have my birthing experience in a place other than a hospital. We are also in the process of getting an SA scheduled. I'll try and get DH to write about that experience.

Because we've been sick we haven't really been BDing as much but we seemed to have timed things well enough. The break has also rejuvenated a bit of our stamina. I am so very lucky though. On CD11 I contemplated starting OPKs, but decided not too. I didn't want to waste them since I never O before CD14. Since I had been sick, I was concerned that it would actually be delayed, but hoped for CD17. I started OPKs on CD14 and got a blaring positive. I'm glad I didn't wait any longer to start them!

Fingers crossed that I'll have to give my unopened box of CBEs (Clearblue Easy) to my TTC friend because I won't need 'em! Do you realize that it's quite possible to have a 10/10/10 baby from this cycle. How cool would that be??

In Hiding

I've been in blog hiding. I know, I am a bad blogger for not updating sooner, but here goes.

I've had a frustrating month as the first two weeks went. I was on track for the first few days and then they got really unpredictable. Day to day it was frustrating not being able to predict where my temps would be. And then, I ovulated early. Thankfully it was only a few days earlier but I've decided I'm not longer going to try and pin it down to the day in the future. The fertility window on fertilityfriend.com seems to work well enough.

During the awful 2WW I've been keeping myself busy with work, taking care of a sick husband, and working on some photography stuff. Honestly, that has only been a little more than a week. I'm currently in the later stages of the 2WW and expect either a BFP or AF at the end of the week. Just in time for my trip to South Bend (sigh). Why can't AF schedule visits at a more opportune time?

Signs

This week has been a roller coaster so far. That's sad considering it is only Wednesday morning.

To say I had a bad day yesterday would be putting it politely. I'm sorry if anyone was in the way of my wrath. The day started out fine but it got worse as the day went on, eventually peaking shortly after getting home.

It wasn't until about 2 hours later that it dawned on me that it was exactly 1 week before AF would be arriving. My main PMS symptom is like clockwork, irritability always arriving exactly 7 days before. Upon that realization I felt two things, dumb and depressed. Dumb because I hadn't seen what was happening until hours later. I almost smacked myself on the forehead when I figured it out. Depressed because hell, it's PMS symptom, I couldn't be pregnant then. I was sure that my BBT would be heading down.

But, it didn't. Instead my temp was up .20 from yesterday and breaks my usual peaks and valleys pattern (a link to my chart is in my sidebar). And now I am hopeful. And now I also realize that it really was stupid to think I wouldn't get my usual PMS symptoms. I thought it was a side effect of increasing estrogen, but maybe it's a withdrawal from estrogen. If it is a withdrawal, then I would be experiencing it even if I were in the early stages of pregnancy.

So that brings up the signs of early pregnancy....you know fatigue, nausea, headaches, sore boobs, etc. What signs are important to chart and which are not? I've been having some problems rectifying this. It seems like every symptom I am having, I can justify a reason. Headache is caused by tension in my shoulders, or the frequent urination is from the Vitamin B Complex I've been taking, or even that I'm irritable because I am tired and hungry (low blood sugar). Now, that last one I did deem hormonal, but I was feeling a bit better after eating dinner and getting a cuddle from DH.

I have been charting some symptoms, but I am not always so quick to associate every little thing I am feeling with early pregnancy. Perhaps I should, but I think I'm doing it to protect myself from the letdown when AF shows. I'm just not sure what symptoms to chart anymore.