Meeting Dr. Puzzle

My first appointment with the RE (Dr.Puzzle) went pretty smoothly, well until the morning after when a had a mini-freakout. More on that later. So, I think I really like Dr.Puzzle, but he also seems to be a bit hard to read. I felt very relaxed with him, which is great. I'm the kind of gal that only goes to women doctors for her annual poking and prodding. I thought it kind of sucked that the majority (Like 95%) of REs out there are male doctors. I thought it would be a problem, but he was very relaxed and I felt really at ease with him.

The reason I call him Dr.Puzzle is because during our consultation he'd give me these looks, almost like he's giving me the evil eye. Kind of like if he looks at me a certain way I'll give up the key to my problem. It honestly was a little off-putting. That's when it dawned on me that he sees it as a puzzle, trying to look at it from different angles. He loves a puzzle, and a puzzle is what I gave him!

So, a bit of our history he wanted. We're both healthy, under 30 and unsuccessfully TTC for almost a year. I showed my charts which easily show that I ovulate, on average, between CD14 and CD16. No spotting, no difficult symptoms, no low or high temperatures and LP is normal. In fact, he wrote "Excellent Charts" in his notes. DH's numbers are a bit on the low side, but still normal. I got acquainted with Wandy rather quickly, and unexpectedly. Ultrasound showed everything was perfectly normal and he even showed where I had ovulated from my right ovary and pointed out the follicles that were still visible. The best looking ovaries he'd seen all day.

My case baffles him. I have mixed emotions about that. For me, the unknown is more scary and more frustrating that anything else. The diagnosis I would loathe to hear, "Unexplained Infertility". I know it could be worse, which is why I am comforted that it still looks like we're good to go, just that our number hasn't come up yet.

He asked me what I thought might be the problem, and I said I didn't know, that this is what is frustrating to us. I should have stated my position right there, that the reason I was there was to find a diagnosis and not just throw treatments at it. I was enamoured by the fact that I appeared to be fine (I was afraid I had cyst on my left ovary). Dr.Puzzle doesn't see the need to medically try to induce ovulation since I appear to be doing a capable job on my own. His recommendation was to head into an unmedicated IUI, and that he thinks the problem might like in the motility numbers and that IUI is all we'd need. At roughly $200 (!!!!!) a pop, not a bad deal at all.

We had a bit more conversation where we got to know Dr.Puzzle and his practice a little more. We met with someone from billing about insurance and fees and what not. That's where we learned that IUI is closer to $800 after all office visits, that the $200 was just the IUI procedure. IVF is $12,000-$14,000, which includes everything and cost depends on what stims are used. Insurance, of course, does not cover treatment at all. Then we waxed unpoetically about frustrations around the politics of it all.

I was instructed to call at CD1 IF it arrived (FX that it doesn't) and to call again the day I ovulate to get in for the IUI. It wasn't until after I left the office that I hadn't spoken about wanting a diagnosis and not just a treatment plan. Apparently it was bothering me more than I thought because when the cat woke me up the next morning I couldn't get back to sleep.

My biggest fear, that he had given an official diagnosis of infertility and that we'd go through with the IUI or several IUIs only to finally get an HSG scheduled and find out that I have blocked tubes. Almost $1000 a try, and then have to pay for the HSG out of pocket on top of it? It only makes sense to me to try the HSG first since insurance will cover diagnostic tests, plus HSG can help increase fertility by cleaning out the cobwebs.

So from 5am-8am I fretted about the fact that I'll probably not get the test done and that he's already flagged me for infertility. I left a message with the receptionist who called back a few hours later, and calmed me a bit. The visit was not coded for infertility and she'd pass the message to Dr.Puzzle after she got his dictated notes. Hopefully I'll hear something before CD1

Baby Notes - April 19th 2010

I find out in a few days if I have been blessed with your conception. It will have been 10 months now since we've been praying for you.

I feel awful. My breasts are sore, going to the bathroom more, I'm even having cravings, for green olives of all things! However, I'm scared to be hopeful every nauseous feeling or twinge or flutter I feel in my stomach. Every symptom makes me think of you.

So long I have dreamt of you, so many tears I have shed because it just wasn't time yet. I am afraid to hope it is you because I don't think my heart can be glued back together if I am wrong this time. Too many times already my mind, my body has played these cruel tricks on me.

April 19th, 2010
11DPO

Baby Notes - April 15th 2010

I have been a bad mommy-to-be this month, and I am very sorry. I have been working really hard o be more relaxed at work, I can get used to that. The weather has been unseasonably warm so I have been spending more time outdoors and moving around, which is good for you

However, I just can't seem to give up the junk food this month. Pop, sugar, fattening fast food.

I am trying not to be too down on myself. I'm still taking vitamins for you to keep us both healthy. I just need to focus on drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. For us.

April 15th, 2010
7DPO

New Segment - Baby Notes

I have a new segment I am introducing to my blog, Baby Notes. Recently I have found myself writing to my someday child. I don't know how often or how regularly I will be posting these notes.

Here is the First:
I dream about you every day, wishing and yearning to feel you in my womb. When I started this journey almost a year ago, I thought I'd be holding you in my arms by now.

Alas, you are not ready, but I am waiting. I take this challenge as a time to work on my patience. Every day passes and my wish for you grows.

I hope I can experience you soon.
April 13th, 2010
5DPO

I'm Dreaming Of An Introduction

Got a + on the OPK tonight. Will be dreaming of a tango with these two for the next few nights.

Hormonal Imbalance

That's all I can describe what I am going through right now. I don't know it's even an imbalance, its just affecting my mood. PMS, only it's Post Menstrual Syndrome. I am on CD9 as of today and on this cycle day for the past 3 months I have noted emotional on my chart.Its the same emotion too, just a sudden mood drop. Not a bad mood, just really feeling down and sorry for myself.

It looks as though my body is gearing up to O on CD14 again, like last month. DH's SA is tomorrow. I have second thoughts about having it right before O, for two reasons. First, it kind of cuts in a bit on our timing, and second for not doing it is that I don't want to feel hopeless before BDing. This SA will probably give us a solid diagnosis. If numbers go up, then the fever is the culprit but if they don't then it's male factor infertility (as far as we know, it could be me too but we haven't done the testing yet).

We haven't discussed yet, or thought much yet, about what we're going to do if we do need to see an RE and if we do decide to participate in ART. I think partially because we don't want to get ahead of ourselves, partially denial that we are having problems. It weighs on me, but it's something I will force myself to think about after this weekend.

I really feel the need for some time off to sort through some feelings. I've been so busy with work lately, I really need some time to decompress. It might just fit in with some plans before we decide to go through with ARTs, or perhaps a second babymoon (which might be a bad thing considering the first one delayed O, which we likely missed).

*sigh*
I just feel so stretched, so thinly spread. I'm so tired.

Witty Title About SA

Yeah, I couldn't come up with one either.

So, DH finally got a script for an SA. We picked it up from the doctor's office when he went in for his cold/flu thingy we've been fighting. It gave us a giggle because the nurse there opened up the sealed envelope (it was waiting to be picked up, we just happened to get an appointment later and picked it up) to double check that it was right. She said, "and this lab work for a blood, err, umm, a test". I'm sure they are not accustom to these tests, but it still made us both giggle for most of the day. DH was completely alright with their little faux pas, and try to make them feel at ease about it.

The process it took to get the actual script for the SA is not as easy or as humorous, however. It was quite frustrating really, partially us being uninformed and partially a 3rd party being uninformed.

See, the whole process started with DH considering getting checked out. I'm not sure what prompted the move but since he talked about it, I tried to do what I could to give him the resources without actually doing it for him. I want to empower him through the TTC process so he doesn't feel like he's just a donor.

He found some research and decided on some lifestyle changes, ones I had recommended a few months ago. Mostly they have to do with limiting hot showers/baths, stop using the heating pad, and start taking a daily vitamin. Typical guy, he doesn't believe me until someone or something backs it up. Anyway...

Shortly before Christmas I "bugged" him into calling the GP to figure out if they would write the script or if they would refer to a urologist. They informed us that our insurance doesn't require referrals (already knew that but thanks), but gave us a few phone numbers for urologists in their hospital network. I also gave DH a list of Urologists covered in our network.

He called around and got some mixed messages from people. The idiot receptionist wanted to know what his symptoms were (uhh, lack of pregnancy?) then couldn't give any details about the SA and what is required and said they don't have a doctor that does that. Called back and got a different receptionist, the helpful one said there is a doctor 30 miles away that can do it, but we'd have to make an appointment and that the doctor wouldn't want to or need to see him but won't just order and SA so we'd have to have our GP write it. But of course when we called the GP first, it was just going to be a referral, no script.

By the time DH was able to call GP to explain the situation, the office was closed. Upon calling the next day and talking to a nurse and describing the situation, we got a script written from the GP but the office would be closed until the new year. When we get it we will need to call helpful receptionist to schedule an SA at one of the offices 30 miles away. And no, they don't allow drop off so we actually have to go in. Being the nice wife that I am, I agreed to go in with DH to help him, kinky.

GP's office is 30 miles away. I love my GP and so does DH. He's been my doctor since I was 12. I grew up and moved away, but we love him so much we kept him even though it's absurdly long way to go for a doctor. We've been sick since the 1st and it was also my fertile period so no SA. I'm not putting a cycle on hold, and we wouldn't get real good results during that time anyway. But at least we have a script, now we just need to schedule it.

I'm hoping that we'll get a BFP before we get the results back. ;)

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts, it is shattered today. I knew of the BFN even before I even tested. I shouldn't have tested, just another $1 and a handful of tears down the drain.

My heart hurts and my mind is burdened with the knowledge that the only people who can comfort me right know, that truly understand my plight, can only give virtual hugs. I do appreciate the community found online, but still there's something powerful about someone who is there to wipe away the tears.

When will it be my turn? When can I experience the bundle of joy?

Little Present Under The Tree

DH and I are remodelling our basement. We've been DIY for a little while now. Honestly, I am embarrassed to even mention just how long. We got far enough for the initial inspection before drywalling. We did a test of our skills in the garage over the summer. We got it half done. The mudding/taping portion didn't go so well. Faced with the daunting task of moving tons of drywall board down to the basement, I decided to have that part at least contracted out.

My Uncle is a carpenter so we naturally asked him and he graciously agreed to give us an estimate. 3 weeks later we have a new floor plan, plumbing installed, drywall, doors, the works! All that's left are door knobs, once they arrive.

Him and his wife stopped by Saturday morning to talk. By that time we had used up a 5 gallon bucket of ceiling paint and were about to head out to pick up wall paint. We discussed with them our plans for what to do with the space. I told DH that he'd need to get help moving the TV down the stairs because there's no way I'm doing it. It's a bit on the heavy side, but more than that it's awkward in it's weight distribution. The TV has a tube in it so it can't really be jostled around. After the bill for the work, I really don't want to fork out more dough to replace the tv!

My Aunt looked at my dead square in the eyes and asked if they should be expecting a little present under the tree and that it was okay to tell them because they won't say ANYTHING to anyone. I giggled. It was cute, but sadly not yet.

So, I inquired as to what gave her that thought...if it was not lifting anything heavy, or if it was the book. She had forgotten about the book, but it turns out that it was what originally gave her that thought.

You see, the book in question is Your Pregnancy Week by Week, and I had loaned it to a friend a few months ago. She left it on my dining room table when she and her DH came over for dinner earlier in the week. On a side note, she's not pregnant yet either :(. My sister put the book and several others in one of the 30 boxes of baby stuff she brought over in the summer. When I got home Monday, I realized my gaff and put it in the pile of stuff going to Goodwill, hoping to fool anyone that saw it. Apparently that failed, lol. That night my Uncle mentioned to my Aunt that we might be keeping some good news from them.

I wasn't upset when she asked. I honestly thought it was very cute to see her eyes light up with the idea. Thankfully DH kept to himself that we're hopeful about this month, but he did mention that we were trying to start a family. Ah, nothing like telling your relatives that you're having sex!

So yes, while having 2 pink lines will be the best and most memorable Christmas present ever, it's not one we're likely to share until a few weeks later (well, IRL anyway!).

Hold On Just A Dang Minute!

After a few days of thinking about our situation, my feelings haven't changed much. I'm still feeling frustrated and discouraged, but will changes make me feel better? I guess only time will tell.

Will I likely become pregnant by the end of the year? I feel doubtful. AF likely has a 'gift' addressed to me for Christmas. Will it happen within a year? That I am hopeful for, almost desperately so.

At about 11DPO I knew in my heart that my cycle was a bust, even as I willed my temperatures to increase each morning. Each morning I watch it fall. The usual month I won't know for sure until 13DPO.

I feel like a failure, DH and I sat down yesterday and I told him that I was giving up on TTC for now. It's too much pressure, especially when he goes out and tells his family that we're trying. So in a way I am dreading the holidays and the questioning looks that will inevitably tag along. What do I tell them? Technically we're taking a hiatus, but I don't really want to or like the idea of sharing bedroom antics with relatives. Awkward.

I'm still charting some signs for reference, but no special supplements or temperatures. It's evident that I am ovulating and that we're timing things well, so it's not a big deal if I stop with the BBT. I'm just going to rely on what mother nature tells me.

It just stinks that it really takes a year before anyone in the medical field will take this seriously. I'd just like a few tests, blood work or SA just to tell us that it's not all for naught. Its a lot of pain and stress to go through for a year to find out nothing would have happened.

All I can say is that it's been a hell of a year and not just because of TTC. I'll be glad if the year end on a good note. So for that reason, I'm going to try extra hard to enjoy the holidays on my terms. It'll be nice to start over with a clean slate at the beginning of the year. I know it's cheesy to think that, but it feel like it to me, even the beginning of a week feels the same.

Thinking of the future gets me feeling hopeful...gets me out of the mood of dwelling on current problems. I'm even, gasp, listening to a Christmas carol station on Pandora!

Soy Isoflavones

Another experiment on the docket for this month.

Soy Isoflavones are what's considered a phyoestrogen. Soy, and several other plants, contain these chemicals that trick the body into thinking it is not producing estrogen, thus producing more. This bumps up FSH which affects the maturation of follicles (which ripen the egg).

In general, soy is recommended to be avoided during conception because it can affect the balance of estrogen in the body. However, studies have shown that a short burst of soy isoflavones can help boost ovulation. It works similar to how the fertility drug Clomid works, and even taken similarly. For several good follicle development take during CD1-5, for one large follicle take CD5-9, or for a mix of the two, take for 5 days starting between CD1-5. The dose that I am taking is probably considered pretty light, 80mg a day. There is not official dosage for this use although I have heard 2 days on 80mg and then 3 days on 160mg but have also heard it up to 100 and 200mg.

Soy isoflavones can be found in the supplement section of pharmacies or health food stores. I went to 4 pharmacies and found it at 1, Walmart of all places. I did find a version at all 4 for menopause, which is the usual treatment.

I am currently on day 4 of 5 and I must say that I am glad I am ending this on a weekend. I didn't think that I was experiencing any side effects until they were in full bloom on Friday. It was just your typical everyday PMS issues, but they were rather unexpected. Headache, fatigue, emotional sensitivity, carbohydrate cravings/chocolate.

Oh yeah and BTW, this is just my experience. I'm not in the medical field. The stuff I try is just stuff I have found through research online.

Do These Pink Lines Bring Out The Green In My Eyes?

Last month week was particularly hard for me as we had spent the later part of my 2ww believing that I was pregnant. My temperatures steadily increased and I had some major unexplained and unexpected cramping. My chart was even tagged as being triphasic. I blogged about my excitement.

But lo and behold AF arrived right on time. I mean like right exactly on time, like she was proud, at 12am on what would have been 16DPO. It was supposed to be my month. We did everything perfectly, I even had dreams of BFPs. When I woke up on 15DPO in a sweat, I was excited. Woohoo, my temperature is up! Tears dripped from my face when I realized that my temperature had actually fallen quite a bit. My body had betrayed me. I mourned another month.

I was fine until today. I have learned thus far of at least 7, yes count them 7, BFPs the past 2 weeks and today was just a breaking point. Thus begins another dip in the emotional roller coaster of TTC. I feel really guilty because I am happy for these people but my eyes have taken an unusual shade of green lately. When is it my turn? I'm not normally an envious person. I do wish these women wonderful pregnancies, I just wish I could be on the journey with them.

I'm going to be drowning my sorrow and my tears in a glass of wine tonight, because I can. All I have to console me is knowing that the Lord will not throw at me any more than I can handle. I can't say if I am being tested or not, but perhaps this is just to make me a stronger person. I have to admit that today I have felt like a very weak person.

1Cor10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

When I Was Down and Out...

He made me cry
He instinctively knew when I needed him most.

New Signs

I've had a few signs that have me both a little excited and curious. Pelvic fullness, lower abdominal soreness, cramping, and a triphasic shift in my chart. These are new signs in addition to the headaches (that come and go, but seem to come more often this month), sore boobs, slight and unpredictable nausea/queasiness that somehow have cropped up now every month now that I am officially TTC. Seriously, my PMS used to be easy peasy, just some irritability exactly 1 week before AF showed and some bad cramping the day of. So, what's the deal with that? Maybe I am TOO in tune with my body.

Anyway, back to the signs at hand. The one sign I am most excited about is a triphasic shift...and actual triphasic shift. I'm sure that I've spoken about it. I always seem to get a temp spike around implantation, but it's just 1 day and it back down or falling. This time around I actually possess 3 days of a sustained 3rd shift in temperatures in one month. The official definition is .3 change after 7 days post ovulation where the temperature is sustained for at least 3 days. I am gloating. Bask in the glory of my chart (under the links). A triphasic chart, while not a sound early predictor of pregnancy, fertilityfriend.com determined that only 12% of charts were considered triphasic and 80% of those deamed such were later found to be in possession of the much coveted BFP.

You know what they say though, the bigger they are, the harder they fall...Will my dreams be crushed? Stay tuned to find out.

Y'know I've never had a problem with passing tests except for one

At least the "studying" is fun.

Another cycle has come and gone without success. I was upset and frustrated this morning, but nothing a cup of coffee, some chocolate and ibuprofen couldn't handle.

I'm feeling better this afternoon and I have to give props to my support system for helping make it through the rough patches. I figured out a few things. 1. If we have a successful next month, we'll likely have a 4th of July baby, or perhaps peanut will share a birthday with my doula. 2. We could tell family as a Thanksgiving/Christmas surprise. 3. I'd be out of the sickness of the 1st trimester by the holidays.


In the meantime, I WILL find SOMETHING to get my mind off things baby. I have a scrapbook and some photography projects to work on. There's also a quilt I'm going to try and sew. Also plenty of football games to watch and fall yard work to accomplish.

The thing that I am concerned with that will derail thar plan would be charting. I most definitely do not want to stop doing that. However I am finding that it is affecting my mood during the TWW day by day more than anything. How do I chart without actually seeing the results every day?

Playing The Waiting Game

I'm near towards the end of my TWW. AF is due to arrive sometime tomorrow and I'm experiencing inner turmoil about it. If she's going to arrive, I wish that she'd do it sooner so I can get it over with. However I am still hopeful that she'll decide to skip her visits for a while.

I'm getting worn out, tired of trying and tired of analyzing every little sign or possible symptom. DH said before that he'd like to have a baby before he's 30. If this month fails, so does that goal. He's mentioned before that it really is okay if it doesn't happen, but I'm beginning to feel the wear of the stress.

I know technically I still have more than 6 months before I should be concerned with thoughts around infertility, but it still crops up in my head. Is it me? Am I broken? How far am I/are we willing to go?

I have considered taking a break from it for a few months. I don't know that I would want to time things so that I am fully pregnant during the hottest part of the summer.

Guaifenesin Discovery

It does work. It works better than I expected, so much that I had more CM days than usual which made it a tad bit harder to predict the O day.

Tips:
-The liquid tastes disgusting, hold your breath while taking it and follow up with a glass of something to drink
-Drink extra water
-Eat something with it or it might upset your stomach
-Under no circumstances should you choke on it. It burns for hours

Personally I found it worked great for my allergies too! That's a nice bonus as I've had days were I am struggling with drainage since going off all my meds.

Delayed Again

I don't know what the deal is with my cycle. Last year it was 30 days on the dot and then somewhere in December things changed and now I never really know when AF will arrive. I mean, I knew usually 1 week ahead of time because of a notable PMS symptom but I couldn't tell you before that.

At least not until I started FAM. Now that I take my temperature every day and I have found out that my luteal phase is 15 days. Still, it can be hard to pinpoint what day I will O, but I do manage to narrow it down to a few days.

This month I thought I'd O on the 4th. I had a fight with my DH that day and was in a bad mood in general the whole day. It wasn't until 3 days later that my temperature dropped and I found out my O had been delayed a few days, yet again. I'm beginning to think this is a sign of a new cycle pattern for me. It seems that my cycle has lengthened to 34 days.

So I am relieved that it was delayed because our chances for conception are better. Now the countdown begins. I'll need to keep myself busy during the TWW or I might just go crazy!

(UN)Great Expectations

A woman's focused emotional mind is sometimes a very logically unreasonable thing. Today is my forcasted O day and I'm shaking my head at how unreasonable I was this morning.

Last night, shortly after eating dinner, my DH got sick. He has a digestive disorder which causes him quite a bit of pain and other digestive ailments I'll not get into. I took a nap while he did his normal routine. Afterward, he crawled into bed and slept, I got up because I couldn't sleep.

I stewed over how we should be DTD but since DH cannot take care of himself, he got sick. We've both been eating unhealthy lately, and that can trigger an episode with him. He's also supposed to be taking a supplement and he hasn't. This same thing happened at the same time two months ago, and those were the only two times he's been sick in at least 4 months. I cried sabotage and felt he wasn't committed and wasn't pulling his own weight. After all, how could I get a BFP if the same thing happened 2 months ago and end with dear ol' AF?

I went to bed that night, upset. I tossed and turned and slept fitfully until the alarm went off for me to take my temperature. Shortly after, DH got up and I fell into a deep sleep. Unfortunately today is a very busy day and of course I oversleep. I never sleep past 9:30 but I did today. So from the get go I'm up in a bad mood. Normally I'm rarely upset from something the night before...if I am that's how I know it is really bothering me. Low and behold I'm still upset from last night, with the same thoughts going through my head.

We are open with each other, even under the notion that sometimes emotions are unjustified but we need to express them and deal with them objectively to understand the situation. I pick a fight with DH, say he's not taking care of himself and basically if we don't get a BFP this month that it'll be his fault. I'm upset and that it might not be fully justified, but I think some of it is. We talk about DTD but honestly I was too upset and didn't want to make a baby under those conditions. I just wanted some comfort, which I did not get from DH, but I had to leave so I left mad.

I did manage to cool off but it seems like after all these years DH still doesn't know when I just need a hug. When we both got home late tonight, we did have a discussion about the issues. I was unreasonable and hurt, he was dumbfounded, and in the end everything works out. Maybe I can blame this one on raging hormones?

Tussin For WHAT?

Last cycle I had heard about Robitussin to help with CM. WHAT? Guaifenesin, the active ingredient in plain Tussin acts as a mucus thinner. The primary component of Cervical MUCUS is mucus (semen too).

Everything I've read suggests taking 200mg 3 times a day. So I go to my local pharmacy (Walmart) and pick up an 8oz bottle of Tussin for $2.50. It should last me near two cycles. Take it for the 5 days prior and including the anticipated date of the big O and you'll notice a difference.

Things to keep in mind when trying this. Use the plain formula or you may find you get the opposite result. Antihistimine medication can actually dry up CM, and some other active ingredients may cause birth defects. Also be sure to drink extra fluids during this time. Caplets might also help since liquid cough medicine tastes pretty nasty.

I'll update my findings!